i only have a few minutes -- naturally, in a hurry, i'm drawing a blank. ilana and i are in the tiny rectangular room that serves as the library here. as far as i can tell, they have childrens books, a few magazines, and Grey's anatomy. clearly, the essentials.
but they also have two computers which you can use for thirty minutes and i'm grateful. last nite i fell into a mild funk for the first time. when my mother asked me why, i said maybe i was in withdrawal. aside from that negligible dip and the spots of sunburn in rather uncomfortable places (one rarely thinks of putting lotion where one assumes the sun's hands would be too respectful to roam) i'm having a wonderful time. if my intuition can be relied upon, ilana is as well. adam has four friends here who i think irk her by talking to me -- but then, they know me, if only as the little sibling they've tormented in the past. mel and joanna are here as well. they're family friends: mel is my dad's age and joanna is adam's. she and ilana are like polar opposites which at least one of them (guess which!) realizes. the craziness just keeps things interesting. the boys left to go fishing this morning. ilana and i decided to go driving. everyone so far has been doing their own thing and not getting in anyone else's way.
there isn't too much else to report. we've gotten a lot of sun, ingested a lot of salt water, hottubbed, eaten rugalach, missed our dearly beloveds from whom we're removed, and watched movies. what else could you ask of a vacation?
last note: i dreamt last nite about my berkeley-bound boy. it was a dream-that-knew-it-was-a-dream: he came to visit at the beginning and hugged me goodbye at the end. but i nearly woke up in tears. (hi, bunny, if you're reading this. i'll give a call back at thouse.)
to the rest of you: adios, and i'll see you soon. make sure you return in one piece.

music: swinger's soundtrack. would make me want to get up and dance, if only i knew how. alcohol is a great tutor but that's more a party-at-skool thing than an at-home-at-midnite-wearing-pajamas-w/-a-little-black-bow thing. i have to be content to just type in sync w/ the beat.

oh man i'm going to miss blogging over the next week. i feel like i've spent half my waking hours online since i stopped working for martha. it's addictive: creating, maintaining, promoting, searching, reading, commenting. *phew* but it's rewarding. i always wanted a virtual community. a few years ago, i tried to get into the message boards at ew.com. it didn't work so well b/c all they wanted to talk about over there was how hot leonardo dicaprio was. these were 40-ish housewives and i just couldn't compete.
becca will remember this: i met a guy on the boards who i got really excited about. well, "met" is an exaggeration: researched and exchanged a few comments w/ would be more accurate. still we seemed so similar. that was a warning. i should have known that after that, it was only a matter of time til i actually got into a significant entanglement w/ an internet boy. remind me to tell that story at some point ... (or hey, michael, if you're reading this, feel free to tell the story from yr p.o.v.) here's a taste. there's much more to it than that.

anyway, for the loyal 5 of you for whom the loss of notebook for a week is tragedy just short of bush-presidency proportions, here is a list of links to occupy you in the interim. these are sites i've come across recently that i found interesting, engaging, entertaining, or worthy of a glance:

• shortkid
  
• crushing krisis
  
• prosaic*
  
• pandora's boxers
  
• not so soft
  
• dacicle

of course there are also all the links to the left.
so if i don't get to talk to all of y'all while i'm in n. carolina, enjoy yr week. feel free to sign the book, email, comment. let me know i'm missed.

what fresh hell is this? -- dorothy parker. absolutely right, reggie, thanks. i can't believe i forgot that.
my house is an absolute mess right now. electrical failures (downstairs computer, fax machine) compounded by leaving-tomorrow stress, constant phone calls, blown tires (poor becca), dinner preparations, dog vomit, torrential rain; all soothed of course by chai. well, for me, anyway.

what is it w/ august?

oh, and this is a riot: dacicle linked to me, which is flattering, and declared me a boy, which is less so. to clear up all confusion: ester = female (altho not according to the spark). look, i swear: here i am:

i don't know who i am but you know life is for learning ... why is that one of the most beautiful songs ever written? don't worry about answering; it's a rhetorical question.

so tomorrow morning, to north carolina until the 18th. miss lana comes w/, as do (get ready for this) 4 of adam's friends, our family friend mel and his daughter joanna. that makes 12 of us in a house for 6. i guess someone can sleep in the hottub.
it's supposed to rain the whole time too. oh man is this going to be insane. i'm bringing lots of books and a good pair of earphones. that should do it. ilana's chill (lana and chill in fact are synonymous) and she and i should be low-maintainance. it's everyone else i'm worried about. ah well. what would i be w/o worry?

meme (from wockerjabby):
three things i see:

• little plastic box of thumbtacks overflowing w/ two strings of jolly's mardi gras beads and a bracelet i bought during my summer in nyc a couple years ago
  
• my smartwhore button and the gore/leiberman button i was trying to affix it to
  
• ten women who shook the world -- a book we had to read for fiction that i now use a mousepad
  

three things i hear:

• adam watching lock stock and two smoking barrels in his room
  
• "the circle game" -- joni's just wrapping it up
  
• the rain getting more and more passionate outside
  

three things i feel:

• the bottom of my jeans which got wet from walking thru puddles in georgetown earlier
  
• the carpet under my bare feet (i hate wearing shoes indoors)
  
• a little apprehensive about this n.c. trip
  

another survey, this one courtesy of pandora's boxers: In the last week have you...

Cried? yeah, from that ny times article
Helped someone? hopefully
Bought something? today: diet coke, diet pepsi, columbo frozen yogurt, and a spinach knish
Not known the answer in class? i don't make a policy of that :-)
Dissected something? not literally
Cut your hair? no, but i tear it out all the time. trichotilomania.
Worn a skirt? yes. well, two slips, actually.
Worn a tie? uh, no
Been mean? *sigh* probably, but i didn't intend to be
Been sarcastic? *scornfully* sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.
Been horney? who on earth spells "horney" w/ an "e"? sheesh.
Sung? today in fact, walking down the street. if you're going to get looks anyway, you may as well do something to deserve them
Gone for a run? no --> see #1
Gone for a walk? of course
Gone to the movies? tomorrow: apocalypse now redux. the new yorker went crazy about it; i hope it lives up to the hype
Gone out to eat? sushi yesterday
Felt stupid? being w/ johnny reminds me that i'm not as smart as he is
Said "I love you"? yes
Written a real letter? what, like "A"?
Written a paper? does a rant count?
Taken a test? personality test: i'm a journalist (idealist something or other. it means i'm paranoid.)
Met someone new? not really
Written in a journal? adam: you keep a diary? me: i call it a notebook. adam: so you take notes on what happens during the day. ... sounds like a diary.
Watched your favorite movie? no, but i did see some good ones
Given someone a present? only the gift of my company
Had a serious talk? ha. of course.
Hugged someone? virtually hugged jamie; was hugged by my writing teacher as i left class ("keep writing"); kissed ilana's shoulder
Had a nightmare? no
Fought with your parents? no, thank god
Fought with a friend? not really fought; disagreed ... got on one's nerves ...
Done something Crazy? crazy w/ a capital "c"? nope
Taken a shower? yes. not that it's done much good -- this weather seems to delight in ruining my hair. my picture today for my passport was nearly turned the developer to stone.


three cheers for ross who is starting a blog of his own. he's one of the barnies and a good friend from year 1 at swat. among other things, he is passionate about music and it is b/c of him that i have half my monster mp3 collection, my bob dylan cds, a couple jonis, elliott smith, and various random others. check him out. he's one of the most unique folks i now.

ahhh resolution. for most of today, i was a sun-frazzled victim of august. my site refused to show up; my brother adam and my father had a loud over-dramatized argument about israel -- a friend of adam's is determined to study abroad there. my father declared that commendable while adam decried it as foolish self-aggrandizement. as they were getting nowhere except into ad hominem attacks, i ushered adam out the door. we had to get our passports renewed. what should have been simple took forever: in the midst of correcting the first flawed set of prints, the person helping us left the store. "where'd he go?" we asked the lady behind the counter after he didn't return. "oh, he went to buy a magazine," she said. another employee eventually finished up the job. we went from there to the post office to fill out forms, and then, relieved, walked back to the corner of wisconsin avenue where we'd parked. for a moment or two, we just watched the traffic whoosh by.
"isn't this where we parked?" said adam. "uh-huh," i said. ... "shit. shit shit shit."
we hiked down to the police station, got the address of the place where our car had been towed, hiked there, paid the $75 fine and pocketed the additional $35 ticket. it would have been funny, at least in a life's-a-bitch kind of way, except that it was over 100 degrees outside and adam and i, by the time we were done w/ the whole mess, were like melted canvases. he dropped me off back in the heart of bethesda where ilana, laboring as always in the seed, gave me water and a fan and restored my equilibrium. my writing class assignment was to write a rant and an opinion on the same subject; i hadn't done either, so after i cooled off, i delved into the topic of beauty. creating the rant was so much fun that i never got to the opinion. it didn't matter ultimately: we didn't even discuss them in class. once i polish it a little, i'll post it here.

so i'm a journalist, otherwise known as a vigilant idealist. *shrug* i don't know. maybe a little.

what is going on w/ this page?

this is too cute, i couldn't resist. have i mentioned what a sucker i am for harry potter? last summer when i bought the 4th book, the nite of its release -- johnny took me to b+n -- i stayed up til 5 a.m. reading. then of course i had to defend my taste to my extended family. snobs. not that i should talk; before i deigned to pick up the first one, i rolled my eyes at the phenomenon like every other wannabe-intellectual in this country. i'm trying to make up for it tho by being upfront about my conversion. i have seen the light and now, like every other born-again in this country, i am the phenomenon's biggest supporter and prostelytizer.

ADDITION: survey (courtesy of http://aim.uprush.com):
1. Open up your CD player, what's inside?: belle and sebastian's boy w/ the arab strap; i just took out revelling and before that revolver
2. Look in your VCR/DVD player, is there a movie?: bonnie and clyde and before that pi (and i just had a long conversation w/ my brother adam about requiem for a dream, also by aronofsky. he thought the film was equally well made and depressing. what's the point of stuff that just depresses you, he asked. i argued Appreciation and Aesthetic and other Abstracts. he argued entertainment. but if the film was on his mind, as clearly it was, and if it affected him, i believe it was worth watching.)
3. If there happens to be music playing right now, what is it?: belle and sebastian, dude. i just told you that.
4. What are you wearing?: jeans, black t-shirt. boring but somewhat typical, especially when there's no one around i have to impress.
5. Look down, what's the first thing that catches your eye?: my tarot cards. much reading recently.
6. Turn on your TV if it's not on already, what network is it?: i hate tv.
7. Look out the window, what's the weather like?: dark, oppressively hot. thank god we're getting out of here and going to the beach.
8. If you were to hit redial on your phone right now, where would it call?: ben. talked to alyssa since he's not there (dinner w/ justin? alyssa didn't know) she's going to japan -- brave girl.
9. Say "hello?" out loud, did anyone answer?: no. but i was too timid to say it too loudly; if i had, my little brother judah might have responded.
10. What are you planning on doing next as soon as you get offline?: mmm, sleep ...

anyone know where the quote "what fresh hell is this?" comes from? i think of it as said by katharine hepburn but i may be completely off.

plans this evening aborted. it's all right. i can read, spend some quality time breathing, sleep. sounds excellent to me.
jamie and i watched bonnie and clyde. it's always interesting to see two movies in a day that are both good for very different reasons.

last nite ilana and i were play fighting about something. "you're judgemental!" she said. "i am not; i'm a perceiver," said i. "well, you perceive judgementally," said she. couldn't argue w/ that. not so much, no. but i try not to judge -- really.

this (prosaic.nu) is the best about page i've seen in a while.

jamie chose this color. she slept over -- so did ilana, but ilana's already back working hard at the seed. we watched pi by one of my emerging-favorite-filmmakers darren aronofsky. it's not that his pictures particularly have moved me -- he doesn't seem to care about having the audience identify w/ the characters -- but he has a unique vision and a talent for creating scenes that stick w/ you. the genius is in the details: like the sounds in the background, for instance. i hope he doesn't end up like tim burton, who began bright and became a sell-out once he got money.

last nite we paid a surprise visit to becca and laid waste to her pantry. that was after fro yo at always-spooky kentlands, a suburbs-in-their-purest-form neighborhood reminiscent of the one created for jim carrey in truman show. it's an experiment in closeted living. they have a school there, and a church and a mall (complete w/ 50's diner and movie theater) and a couple hundred expensive houses. "new urbanism" -- an attempt to create a microcosm in which cars aren't necessary and crime is seen on television, not in the streets.

not that my own unicorn lane is so much better. (really. that's the name of my street.) what on earth could be expected of me having grown up on unicorn (or as becca once miswrote it, "chicorn") lane?

what the hell was i saying about layout being fun? right when i was about to put my self-satisfied-self to sleep last nite, i decided to tempt fate by actually checking to see how the site, w/ all its new impressive changes, looks in netscape. (i am a moderate person. it takes a lot to become someone i really dislike -- in fact, i can't think of an enemy i even have at the moment. recently, the closest i've come to to shrill, blazing-eyed fury has been when confronted w/ the idiocies ot netscape. but so as not to drop the narrative:) i heard the fates chuckling around me and ignored them, sauntering onto communicator. the page loaded; immediately, i threw my forearm over my face to shield it from the horror. it was a mess, worse than my room at the present, almost worse than my room at swat.

i backed away, forcing myself to breathe. once i recovered my strength, i ventured in again, and i spent the next 2 hrs trying to reformat the (this) page so that it looked acceptable on netscape without compromising too much of its original design. when i signed off at last, i was exhausted but so jumpy that i kept expecting to see stern little girls appearing behind me or hanged people noosed from the shower head. (i have a terrible imagination. once it gets started, i feel like the kid from the sixth sense only this has been plaguing me for years and that's a movie.) i took refuge in bed w/ tom jones. my mother heard my door -- she hadn't been sleeping either. she came in and we sat and talked until 5. nice conversation even if it was a ridiculous nite. she left to actually rest a little before work and i was soothed enuf to go to sleep.

but christ. ... well, i guess everyone needs a nemesis. if my life were all sunshine, lollypops, and 5-for-$5 film rentals, it might get pretty dull.

all right, just redid the bio page along the same lines as this page. i realized why it all's so crazy new to me: i never did layout before. my focus was always on the literary/content end of things, as tho the two were mutually exclusive. this is my first real opportunity to play w/ how the material is presented. 2:15 a.m. fun, you betcha.

so ben's back -- :-) his astrology report, as listed on his site, is astoundingly apt (i think); as much as mine is. i wonder if he got the idea to check it out from me. seems a rather large coincidence that we use the same folks to determine our personalities on the same day, each independent of the other ... and mine came first, dammit.

dinner tonite was lovely. met johnny and ilana in bethesda and we had a leisurely meal on raku's patio. afterwards we strolled around dark bethesda, chatting. oh-so-relaxed, oh-so-lowkey, just the way i like things. threes rarely work and we worked. that's as close as one gets to a miracle in these godless times.

anyone like the new design? i only spent most of the day on it (ooh guilt trips come so easily to us jews.) please note the new links. i don't know why i keep finding more gay men's blogs -- the ones i've happened upon seem more substantial than average. rabi is a swattie whose blog i started to check out while at skool, and reggie i added b/c i admired his drive. he visited over 50 blogs and left messages in guestbooks. why don't i have that kind of initiative?

chai and the beatles (revolver) are putting me to sleep. more tomorrow probably. this is what comes of summer lulls.
to live a better life/ i need my love to be here ...

addition to best british movie lists: the lady vanishes, a chilling, wonderful hitchcock i'd forgotten about. my father reminded me over lunch today at krupins. (funny: steve's picture smiled down from the wall right above me. [steve krupin, son of mel, the owner, was in my class and now goes to nwestern w/ my friend geoff. over a year ago, while we were in israel as a class, steve called me a feminazi. at that point i didn't even consider myself a feminist and i got upset. just a few weeks ago, i ran into him outside kultura w/ a few other friends. he was wearing an ill-fitting suit and looked surprised to see us. he asked what we were all doing for the summer and i derived great pleasure from saying proudly, "i'm working for the feminists." yeah baby.])

( i'm ishtar42; avithepilot is my friend avi)
avithepilot: Incidentally, when do you become so cynical?
ishtar42: um, what do you mean?
avithepilot: I distinctly remember a while back when you got pissed at me for calling you cynical, and now you're telling the world that this country worships money and the world sucks.
ishtar42: i still don't think i'm cynical
ishtar42: this country does worship money
ishtar42: i don't recall saying the world sucks
avithepilot: Actually, the word I was looking for was disillusioned, but I wasn't sure if you were every illusioned to begin with... And I oversimplified and exaggerated on the world sucking.

discussion ensues. ...

in continuation (can you tell i was thinking of this while sleeping?): top 5 off-beat comedies: rushmore; harold and maude; slums of beverly hills; the big lebowski; living in oblivion
top 5 performances in movies that aren't as good as they are: angelina jolie in girl, interrupted; kevin spacey in american beauty; jeneane garofolo in reality bites; jim carrey in truman show; faye dunaway in mommie dearest (alternate: brad pitt in legends of the fall)
top 5 mainstream comedies: clue; clueless; ace ventura; ferris bueller's day off; groundhog day

oh, and one of the tom tykwer films is going to have to make way for in the mood for love, which i entirely forgot about and which is one of the best foreign films i've ever seen. but i'm not sure which.
all of these are still in progress. no worries.

top 5 funny women (modern): jeneane garofolo, christina ricci, renee zellweger, catharine keener, uma thurman
top 5 funny men ( " " ): (early) robin williams, jim carrey, bill murray, kevin kline, john cusack
top 5 women actors ( " " ): faye dunaway, katharine hepburn, emily watson, helena bonham carter, kate winslet
top 5 men actors ( " " ): jack nicholson, morgan freeman, kevin spacey, edward norton, steve buscemi
(alternates: cameron diaz, jeff bridges, emma thompson, guy pearce)

johnny and i are now debating top film lists. (ahh it's wonderous not to have to worry about getting up tomorrow morning for work!)
top 5 foreign films (non-british): chungking express; delicatessen; 400 blows; run lola run; princess and the warrior
top 5 british films: monty pythton and the holy grail; brazil; lock, stock, and two smoking barrels; ... oh gee i'm blanking. well, i'll return to this.
top 5 uniquely-bizarre films (aside from those listed above): all that jazz; heavenly creatures; barton fink; 12 monkeys; hudsucker proxy (alternates: memento, fargo)
top 5 most successful literary adaptions (aside from those listed above): high fidelity; much ado about nothing; sense and sensibility; amadeus; one flew over the cuckoo's nest
top 5 best depressing films: happiness; dancer in the dark; breaking the waves; clockwork orange; network

i just installed reblogger, which means all of you can comment directly on particular posts instead of using the guestbook. and fight there, or joke around, or whatever. i'm really excited -- i've been trying to do that for ages.

today's been calm. i watched the pillow book, which was all right, tho during one of the nude scenes (of which about half the film is composed) it occurred to me that my parents could walk in. i was in the library which is my sanctuary, but it also happens to be my father's and he doesn't always knock. growing up, he was chill about me deciding what art i exposed myself to -- with a few notable exceptions. in living color and married w/ children were, in his opinion, trash, and he didn't want my brothers and me watching them; he saw like water for chocolate on my shelf when i was 12 and told me i was too young for it; and he didn't want me reading the narnia books b/c he said they were thinly veiled christian propaganda. he's right, they are, but he didn't need to worry about me being influenced and wanting to convert: if anything, he should have voiced concern over mists of avalon. not that i would have listened; i never did. he didn't really care either. i think he respected my independence, and he was too pleased to be having a child who was so in love w/ words.

as ilana put it, tinman scored! i've only been following his blog for a couple weeks but he has an earnestness in his journal i find really appealing. so good for him.
and mermaniac has a kickass collection of show links. i've been very quiet since my friendship w/ shira died about my love for certain shows, except w/ marc of course. but sondheim holds a special, undiminished place in my heart. lyrics have always been what's most important to me, and he's a lyrical genius.

my silly father bought pulp fiction today despite the fact that he'd never seen it. so he watched it and of course he didn't like it and we argued this evening about its merits. it's one of my top five (in no particular order, the others are shawshank, terms of endearment, when harry met sally, and chinatown. others in the top ten: fight club, princess bride, being john malkovich, magnolia, empire records.)
and i talked to michael today for a while. he invited me to take a year off and travel the world w/ him. it's funny: he still thinks of me as 16 and i still call him "professor" (where did that come from?). i had to turn down the globe-trotting proposal, however tempting. sweden spring semester is enuf of an adventure for me.

everyone, exhale.
just like that, come on: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...
yeahhh.

today is exhalation day. after my roller-coaster-type (ew, cliche) week, this weekend has been a huge relief. no stress. becca came over friday nite, quieted me down. we drank tea w/ my family (why should they be exempt from the scattering fad? my grandparents left for vt yesterday and my brothers went to cornell til tuesday.)
then we slept and slept and slept. when we woke up, we had breakfast, read comics, came back upstairs, crawled back into bed, read tarot for every person we could think of, stayed in bed a little longer, finally leaving to get diet coke. we drank, sitting on a bench in front of politics and prose, still wearing our pajamas. momentum carried us to my favorite indian place; we got a couple funny looks from other patrons but the food rocked, as always.
we changed once we got home (after lounging in bed some more and reading more tarot). ilana called as we were out the door to come visit her at the seed. we met her just as she was going on break and ate custard and i posed the same question i'd posed to becca earlier: if you could pick the number that was your fixed IQ and your weight, and it had to be both and you couldn't change either, what would you do? it works best if you're littler, b/c if you're tall, you can shrug and say 150 or 160 or whatever and it's not that big a deal. but 150 or 160 on a medium 5'1"-and-a-half frame would be somewhere b/w mattress and couch.
lots of talk about IQ recently. not sure why. i don't even know what mine is.
becca dropped me off and went home; i watched sophie's choice, which, like ghost world, i recognized to be a really good movie but which nevertheless didn't really affect me. again, i'm not sure why. both had great acting and interesting stories (tho the ending of sophie's world wasn't as shocking as i expected it to be). hmm.

after a detour at jackie's, which was too awkward for words, ilana and i ended up back at becca's and this morning, becca drove me home. it's weird that everyone's away. now that they are, of course, i get the impulse to call. *shaking head*
what am i going to do next week? mmm, write, maybe. or send stuff out.
incidentally, the FTP problem turned out to be a problem w/ kestrel, the swarthmore server. they fixed it; hopefully it'll stay fixed. i put the pages back up and all is fine.

my computer is scaring the shit out of me. all of a sudden, my usually-helpful FTP program is refusing to load basic files, stating that there isn't room. worse, it's erasing the files -- there are two that just aren't there anymore. i'm trying not to panic but it's hard when pages just disappear. the html pages still exist; they're even present in the first stage of the FTP process. christ, sometimes i hate the internet.

my grandparents are here. it's time for shabbes. i guess i'll have to store the worry and get back to it later.

briefly: had my last real day w/ wifp. said goodbyes to all involved. then saw ghost world w/ dyannah and ilana. good on many levels which i guess i'll address later.