it's kind of bizarre -- as soon as i'm off campus, i feel my oh-so-impressionable brain changing shape to conform to its new surroundings. i expected to fight w/ my brother adam on the drive down yesterday but we didn't fight. well, at little, at first, instinctively: college students are too damn anti-patriotic! no they're not they're just getting their first exposure to intelligent arguments as to why this country isn't as great as they thought! stupid stuff.
after that, we found common ground rather quickly in the idea that america should form a global anti-terrorism alliance. he told me about how america bodily reformed japan's government post-WWII: we left gen. mcarthur in charge of the country, gave them a copy of our constitution, and
japan changed. i'd never realized it happened that way but the country did evolve -- who would have expected fifty years ago that it would occupy the place on the international stage now that
it does?
i have to go to shul again now. more later. i'll be back on campus this evening. happy new year and i hope wherever you are, you don't have sesame street blaring behind you (my little brother has it on.)
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
Monday, September 17, 2001
i also wanted to mention: 1) today = 7 months. not bad, not bad. 2) rosh hashanah begins tonite. for those of you who don't know, that's the jewish new year. last year right around this time the second grand-scale palestinian uprising began. i'm beginning to think that september is a damn dangerous month. maybe we should just do away with it altogether.
in the spirit of religion, new beginnings, new moons, and other cleansing things, i just wanted to wish everyone a little bit of calm. it's a crazy time, i know. but perspective can work wonders. whether you're a patriot or not, whether you're mourning or mad at the arabs or at our government, i hope you'll take a moment or two to breathe. remember that life exists outside of and beyond this issue. that maybe there isn't only one right answer.
shana tova ou metuka -- a good year and a sweet one. everybody.
in the spirit of religion, new beginnings, new moons, and other cleansing things, i just wanted to wish everyone a little bit of calm. it's a crazy time, i know. but perspective can work wonders. whether you're a patriot or not, whether you're mourning or mad at the arabs or at our government, i hope you'll take a moment or two to breathe. remember that life exists outside of and beyond this issue. that maybe there isn't only one right answer.
shana tova ou metuka -- a good year and a sweet one. everybody.
a friend of mine from high skool just emailed me this:
the author of the email is the kind of person who would sacrifice for this country, who is already involved in the military and has planned to be so for years. my brother is not. when i mentioned him before, re: his declaration to enlist, i got angry first b/c i'd be worried about him, but also primarily b/c he's never expressed any like interest before and is probably just blowing off testosterone. i would never suggest that the u.s. armed forces are all bluster or that their giving their lives for america isn't admirable and humbling.
but i still say that i hope it isn't necessary. no, i'm not equating what america would do to what the terrorists did. i've heard folks here make that argument and i don't agree. i also don't believe that we should bomb the hell out of a country to blow off our national testosterone. i don't want people's lives destroyed. not muslims targeted on the streets, not innocent veiled women in afganistan, not more of our best-and-brightest either in the army or in our economic and commercial centers. murder just sparks more murder and w/ the weapons available to everyone today, war is too dangerous an enterprise to flirt w/.
feel free to email me if you disagree but also feel free to say so in the comments (just click on "thoughts?" and add your own.) if you email me, tell me if you don't want to be quoted -- i won't put your name -- on the site. but discussion is almost-always productive.
speaking of which, last nite's barn discussion was re: threeways. very indepth, very interesting, not really what you'd expect. we had among the four of us only one enthusiast (purely in theory; none of us had attempted it in practice.) but i need more sleep than these amorous/discoursive nights afford me. it'll be good to get home, even for a day.
"I seriously hope that one day you find the guts to poke your head out of the little sheltered world you've been in for so long and look around some.� Aside from the facts you and your friends got wrong about EU influence and the "booming" Asian economy, you've also completely failed to grasp the relevance of these attacks to US and to the world at large.� While I must admit that this last bit is probably the least important thing on the grand scale of the world, you managed to minimize and mock� everything that me, and many of my friends have dedicated our lives to. I thought better of you."i put it up here not to deride what he's saying but to honestly ask, is this what people think i am, and have been, doing? b/c it was not my intention at all. if i'm sometimes lighthearted here w/ respect to certain issues, it's b/c writing is entertaining, at least in part. i never meant to insult anyone who believes something different than i do.
the author of the email is the kind of person who would sacrifice for this country, who is already involved in the military and has planned to be so for years. my brother is not. when i mentioned him before, re: his declaration to enlist, i got angry first b/c i'd be worried about him, but also primarily b/c he's never expressed any like interest before and is probably just blowing off testosterone. i would never suggest that the u.s. armed forces are all bluster or that their giving their lives for america isn't admirable and humbling.
but i still say that i hope it isn't necessary. no, i'm not equating what america would do to what the terrorists did. i've heard folks here make that argument and i don't agree. i also don't believe that we should bomb the hell out of a country to blow off our national testosterone. i don't want people's lives destroyed. not muslims targeted on the streets, not innocent veiled women in afganistan, not more of our best-and-brightest either in the army or in our economic and commercial centers. murder just sparks more murder and w/ the weapons available to everyone today, war is too dangerous an enterprise to flirt w/.
feel free to email me if you disagree but also feel free to say so in the comments (just click on "thoughts?" and add your own.) if you email me, tell me if you don't want to be quoted -- i won't put your name -- on the site. but discussion is almost-always productive.
speaking of which, last nite's barn discussion was re: threeways. very indepth, very interesting, not really what you'd expect. we had among the four of us only one enthusiast (purely in theory; none of us had attempted it in practice.) but i need more sleep than these amorous/discoursive nights afford me. it'll be good to get home, even for a day.
Sunday, September 16, 2001
"this whole email is a secret.� i know you'll tell ben, becca, mark,
ross, jamie, tamar, liz, and ilana, but i would appreciate if that was
it.� NO matt rubin" says becca. she's hilarious. she entertained ruby and i, who trained into the city to see her and her close friend emily who's also ruby's close friend (they grew up in scarsdale together.) the four of us, plus emily's bunny josh, partied on her roof after wandering around the city through the "there's no place like penn" festival at which persons dished out free junk food and studiously ignored some jam band on a makeshift stage. the original plan had been to eat someplace decent but we couldn't agree and just ended up in a small ghetto-y pizza parlor. a tv was on in the front of the place and becca stood with her back to it, determined to be cheerful and wacky regardless. we were all rather cheerful and wacky; that was the charm of the nite.
ruby and i made it back to campus in time to see memento. after, i met up w/ ben and he and i went back to his room, in the process crossing thru rob's Den of Iniquity. the scene as i saw it was: marc splayed out on the futon, wasted and melancholy; jocelyn, all glammed up in a magenta wig, tight black clothes, platforms, and blue glitter galaxies around her eyes, pulling the letters out of a keyboard and placing them in a bowl; and rob, whose pupils were dilated to the size of teacups, e-baying.
this morning i returned to the barn to a scolding from ross, which i deserved, for departing suddenly and disrupting plans. then (swat)becca and joel and i chilled in the common room, alternately singing "the fox went out on a chilly nite" and talking sex. there has been much of that recently. the title of this last conversation, we decided, would be, "would you go down on jesus?" i'm sorry you missed it. really.
also a less pleasant conversation w/ my brother adam who declared that if america goes to war, he will enlist. he's picking me up tomorrow on his way home from co'nell for the holidays; i imagine we'll fight the whole way.
it reminded me of a discussion i had recently w/ ross: "what would you die/kill for?" ourselves, we decided; our friends and family. but a country? i hope it doesn't come to that. for anyone.
ross, jamie, tamar, liz, and ilana, but i would appreciate if that was
it.� NO matt rubin" says becca. she's hilarious. she entertained ruby and i, who trained into the city to see her and her close friend emily who's also ruby's close friend (they grew up in scarsdale together.) the four of us, plus emily's bunny josh, partied on her roof after wandering around the city through the "there's no place like penn" festival at which persons dished out free junk food and studiously ignored some jam band on a makeshift stage. the original plan had been to eat someplace decent but we couldn't agree and just ended up in a small ghetto-y pizza parlor. a tv was on in the front of the place and becca stood with her back to it, determined to be cheerful and wacky regardless. we were all rather cheerful and wacky; that was the charm of the nite.
ruby and i made it back to campus in time to see memento. after, i met up w/ ben and he and i went back to his room, in the process crossing thru rob's Den of Iniquity. the scene as i saw it was: marc splayed out on the futon, wasted and melancholy; jocelyn, all glammed up in a magenta wig, tight black clothes, platforms, and blue glitter galaxies around her eyes, pulling the letters out of a keyboard and placing them in a bowl; and rob, whose pupils were dilated to the size of teacups, e-baying.
this morning i returned to the barn to a scolding from ross, which i deserved, for departing suddenly and disrupting plans. then (swat)becca and joel and i chilled in the common room, alternately singing "the fox went out on a chilly nite" and talking sex. there has been much of that recently. the title of this last conversation, we decided, would be, "would you go down on jesus?" i'm sorry you missed it. really.
also a less pleasant conversation w/ my brother adam who declared that if america goes to war, he will enlist. he's picking me up tomorrow on his way home from co'nell for the holidays; i imagine we'll fight the whole way.
it reminded me of a discussion i had recently w/ ross: "what would you die/kill for?" ourselves, we decided; our friends and family. but a country? i hope it doesn't come to that. for anyone.
Saturday, September 15, 2001
i expected to do something last nite: first memento was showing on campus, then i was supposed to hang out w/ rob and marc, and then hopefully sleep. but while ross and i trooped off to meet ben at the showing, we were greeted w/ the news that there had been a mistake. no memento, only animal house. from the mass exodus out of the theater, you'd think there'd been a bomb threat. again, only at swat.
ben ross and i went in search of other amusement, ended up in the performance arts building where they gave me an impromptu concert on two steinways, amazingly (to me) able to coordinate their improvisations. their desire to make music finally satiated, we moved on to mccabe library where we argued over which one (1) movie to rent. ben was the only one w/ a card and he refused to get out more than one at a time. amazingly (to me) b/c over the summer i rented either 7 or 5 at a time, depending on which movie store i frequented. we settled on vertigo and took it back to the barn, but as it turned out, ben got depressed talking to his mother about the situation and went home; and rebecca, who had gotten herself depressed following the media, needed to be comforted. so we read two vonnegut stories out loud instead and watched the BBC version of six characters in search of an author, which put me to sleep.
not too exciting a nite. there was supposed to be a party at the lodges but that just got canceled. we're going into the city, maybe to the fringe festival. maybe morrocan (sp?) food. i've been hearing that people need to pump money into this economy of ours. guess we should do our part.
alyssa, ross's girlfriend who's abroad for the semester meditating w/ buddhist monks in japan, begs that we sign petitions, mail the president, attend rallies, generally do everything we can to prevent war. i've yet to be told about a single rally or be offered a petition to sign. my mother, who i talked to this morning, says no one in the "real world" thinks we shouldn't retaliate in some way, if only by just bombing taliban headquarters. it's not as complicated as war vs. peace, she says. she gets scared just walking down k street, where she works in dc -- there are armed national guardsmen on every corner. people need to feel safe.
it is complicated. are strategic attacks the answer? can we possibly kill only those directly responsible? will there be no repercussions even for that?
we have to go to ikea to buy a couch. ross and i decided this morning that we should go collect those responsible, bring them back to america in chains and force them to rebuild the trade center. that, we decided, was a more constructive, more human solution. yes, we decided, (mr. president, are you listening?) we should run the world.
ben ross and i went in search of other amusement, ended up in the performance arts building where they gave me an impromptu concert on two steinways, amazingly (to me) able to coordinate their improvisations. their desire to make music finally satiated, we moved on to mccabe library where we argued over which one (1) movie to rent. ben was the only one w/ a card and he refused to get out more than one at a time. amazingly (to me) b/c over the summer i rented either 7 or 5 at a time, depending on which movie store i frequented. we settled on vertigo and took it back to the barn, but as it turned out, ben got depressed talking to his mother about the situation and went home; and rebecca, who had gotten herself depressed following the media, needed to be comforted. so we read two vonnegut stories out loud instead and watched the BBC version of six characters in search of an author, which put me to sleep.
not too exciting a nite. there was supposed to be a party at the lodges but that just got canceled. we're going into the city, maybe to the fringe festival. maybe morrocan (sp?) food. i've been hearing that people need to pump money into this economy of ours. guess we should do our part.
alyssa, ross's girlfriend who's abroad for the semester meditating w/ buddhist monks in japan, begs that we sign petitions, mail the president, attend rallies, generally do everything we can to prevent war. i've yet to be told about a single rally or be offered a petition to sign. my mother, who i talked to this morning, says no one in the "real world" thinks we shouldn't retaliate in some way, if only by just bombing taliban headquarters. it's not as complicated as war vs. peace, she says. she gets scared just walking down k street, where she works in dc -- there are armed national guardsmen on every corner. people need to feel safe.
it is complicated. are strategic attacks the answer? can we possibly kill only those directly responsible? will there be no repercussions even for that?
we have to go to ikea to buy a couch. ross and i decided this morning that we should go collect those responsible, bring them back to america in chains and force them to rebuild the trade center. that, we decided, was a more constructive, more human solution. yes, we decided, (mr. president, are you listening?) we should run the world.
Friday, September 14, 2001
oh man. oh man oh man oh man, little kohlberg iMac, i could kiss you, i could. oh happiness. oh eternal, blue-sky-supportive-friends-loving-family-warm-bunny-bubbly-college-type joy. i fixed it. yesterday this blog was fucked, today it's fine. i fixed it. oh yum.
last nite we had a dinner party at the barn. we've averaging one a week, which is fine tho a little stressful -- or maybe i feel the stress more when i don't really have a friend at the table. last nite's guests consisted of becca's friend from high skool and her friend, a friend of ross's from the class above ours, and a friend of joel's who's new here. technically the boy has junior status b/c he spent the last 2 years at deep springs. we're not allowed to mention that, tho. he irked me, just something about him; becca too. there was something odd in his manner when he related to the females in the room. first joel defended the guy, then after some consideration said that he didn't mean to have been insensitive to our emotions and reactions. we're allowed our opinions and he respects that; only, he asks us, please keep an open mind.
becca and i sequestered ourselves and watched chinatown -- jack nicholson always calms me down.
ross and i spent three hours talking. ben materialized at 3 a.m., slightly drunk and adorable. now becca and i are on campus and we're supposed to be doing stat work. i am at peace. if only america can stay the same, i'll be happy. the odds are way slimmer than i am, but i will continue to hope.
all the ex-hippies will come tripping out of the woodwork w/ flowers in their hair. they should be running the country now. what's wrong w/ them? don't they remember their rhetoric? love, man, not war. love. and lots of pot.
last nite we had a dinner party at the barn. we've averaging one a week, which is fine tho a little stressful -- or maybe i feel the stress more when i don't really have a friend at the table. last nite's guests consisted of becca's friend from high skool and her friend, a friend of ross's from the class above ours, and a friend of joel's who's new here. technically the boy has junior status b/c he spent the last 2 years at deep springs. we're not allowed to mention that, tho. he irked me, just something about him; becca too. there was something odd in his manner when he related to the females in the room. first joel defended the guy, then after some consideration said that he didn't mean to have been insensitive to our emotions and reactions. we're allowed our opinions and he respects that; only, he asks us, please keep an open mind.
becca and i sequestered ourselves and watched chinatown -- jack nicholson always calms me down.
ross and i spent three hours talking. ben materialized at 3 a.m., slightly drunk and adorable. now becca and i are on campus and we're supposed to be doing stat work. i am at peace. if only america can stay the same, i'll be happy. the odds are way slimmer than i am, but i will continue to hope.
all the ex-hippies will come tripping out of the woodwork w/ flowers in their hair. they should be running the country now. what's wrong w/ them? don't they remember their rhetoric? love, man, not war. love. and lots of pot.
Thursday, September 13, 2001
i have been alerted that my links for nori and justin were off so here they are again: nori and justin. sometimes i type too fast.
i have to meet ross in a second to go shopping. yesterday at some point i kicked off my shoes and walked into our blue bathroom in the barn, humming to some music ross had playing, and i was suddenly filled w/ feeling -- as tho someone had hooked up an iv -- of how happy i was to be oncampus and simultaneously off of it, to be w/ my friends, to be safe. it was rather jumbled and fleeting but enuf to make me leave and spontaneously hug rebecca. i do that often so it didn't surprise her too much. she hugged back. later in the evening she asked me anxiously if she has long legs and if she's an evil person for writing a story in which kids, even while coping w/ tragedy, have selfish thoughts pop into their heads like, "is this going to ruin the year?" yes and no, i answered respectively. she seemed relieved after my explanations and thanked me. we all fulfill different functions for each other.
last nite it was joel who made me feel stupid. i sat at the table, quietly furious, until i left for campus. i kept biting back retaliatory remarks; in the end i was glad i did. house harmony, house harmony.
being w/ people is an intricate thing. at any moment, i am -- or run the risk of being -- a bad girlfriend/student/barnmate/person/friend. what can i do? last nite i dreamt that i was back in high skool conducting an affair w/ a spanish teacher who looked more scandinavian than meditteranean. i literally came up to his bicep. it was absolutely ridiculous. in the dream, we were at a party and dancing and he kept reassuring me everything was okay.
i need fabio to tell me everything's okay? maybe i'm losing it.
there's a poem rattling around in my head, something about jesus and oil paintings, or about marc, or about toys -- i can't really tell yet. i haven't written a poem in over a month. wow. to a degree, the whole writing process is akin to getting my period. it occurs to me at some point that an interval has passed and that's usually the signal that the cycle's about to start again. of course, i write poems w/ much greater frequency but it still seems very organic and while it's occurring, very distracting. i can't concentrate on much else w/o flashing back to either.
was that too weird? did i just turn off 76% of my readership? do i have a readership, or will i, once blogger takes me off the main page?
when i went home this afternoon i made a collage of some photographs that i hadn't put up on my walls. it's adorable. i don't know why i did it. ross was making carrot cake; i think i felt a need to be functional.
when people say they're scared of me, or act like it, what do they mean? sometimes i feel like the least intimidating person on the planet.
i have to meet ross in a second to go shopping. yesterday at some point i kicked off my shoes and walked into our blue bathroom in the barn, humming to some music ross had playing, and i was suddenly filled w/ feeling -- as tho someone had hooked up an iv -- of how happy i was to be oncampus and simultaneously off of it, to be w/ my friends, to be safe. it was rather jumbled and fleeting but enuf to make me leave and spontaneously hug rebecca. i do that often so it didn't surprise her too much. she hugged back. later in the evening she asked me anxiously if she has long legs and if she's an evil person for writing a story in which kids, even while coping w/ tragedy, have selfish thoughts pop into their heads like, "is this going to ruin the year?" yes and no, i answered respectively. she seemed relieved after my explanations and thanked me. we all fulfill different functions for each other.
last nite it was joel who made me feel stupid. i sat at the table, quietly furious, until i left for campus. i kept biting back retaliatory remarks; in the end i was glad i did. house harmony, house harmony.
being w/ people is an intricate thing. at any moment, i am -- or run the risk of being -- a bad girlfriend/student/barnmate/person/friend. what can i do? last nite i dreamt that i was back in high skool conducting an affair w/ a spanish teacher who looked more scandinavian than meditteranean. i literally came up to his bicep. it was absolutely ridiculous. in the dream, we were at a party and dancing and he kept reassuring me everything was okay.
i need fabio to tell me everything's okay? maybe i'm losing it.
there's a poem rattling around in my head, something about jesus and oil paintings, or about marc, or about toys -- i can't really tell yet. i haven't written a poem in over a month. wow. to a degree, the whole writing process is akin to getting my period. it occurs to me at some point that an interval has passed and that's usually the signal that the cycle's about to start again. of course, i write poems w/ much greater frequency but it still seems very organic and while it's occurring, very distracting. i can't concentrate on much else w/o flashing back to either.
was that too weird? did i just turn off 76% of my readership? do i have a readership, or will i, once blogger takes me off the main page?
when i went home this afternoon i made a collage of some photographs that i hadn't put up on my walls. it's adorable. i don't know why i did it. ross was making carrot cake; i think i felt a need to be functional.
when people say they're scared of me, or act like it, what do they mean? sometimes i feel like the least intimidating person on the planet.
Wednesday, September 12, 2001
dude, i was totally kidding about nostradamus but here's a prophecy after all. (via meuchapa.blogspot.com)
of all the headlines i've seen so far, my favorite is this: "the bastards!" from yesterday's village voice. (link via peter.)
in film & media this afternoon, my prof did the best possible thing. she turned the 3-hour lesson -- which was supposed to focus on citizen kane, only last nite's showing was canceled -- into an in-depth examination of the footage and the coverage. we incorporated things we'd learned so far and actually used it as a tool to learn more. the tone was just right: respectful, reasonable and intellectual. she didn't try to get us to feel anything, tho it was all right if people did, which i found a relief.
classfolk pointed out that the media, following george II's and powell's leads, are trying to incite us to rage. be angry! they cry. want to strike back! let emotions blind you then lead you stumbling after us.
i'm not angry, i pointed out to the girl next to me, who replied that she was (she's from new york). even so, retaliation is the last thing on her mind.
one of the most fascinating repercussions i've seen has been in the blogging world. people are writing and sharing their personal impressions/reactions as this drama unfolds.
that's nearly unprecedented. it's like a book is being written in serial form and you can read it page by page as it develops, get different perspectives (nori was in austria when she heard; tinman was in manhattan,) see how everyone makes sense of it in their own way. someday these will all be primary source documents. the future will want to know what we were thinking.
rebecca's mom was on cbs news this morning -- i saw her interviewed briefly in a clip our film prof showed us. today's coverage has become much more polished and accordingly colder; i'm less interested in watching news at all. as ross says, what more can they tell us? they can just show off their kitchy computerized graphics and replay the footage one more time.
meanwhile, in matters not related to this, becca called me Brechtian b/c i interrupt life's scenes sometimes to call attention to certain choices people make or specific words they say. having not read brecht, i can't have much of a reaction. my impression was that he was a cold guy; she says no. *shrug* ross and i squabbled over bananas this morning. who knew they would be such a controversial issue. marc is back from the hospital -- he had a cyst removed. i guess that's about it, news-wise.
in film & media this afternoon, my prof did the best possible thing. she turned the 3-hour lesson -- which was supposed to focus on citizen kane, only last nite's showing was canceled -- into an in-depth examination of the footage and the coverage. we incorporated things we'd learned so far and actually used it as a tool to learn more. the tone was just right: respectful, reasonable and intellectual. she didn't try to get us to feel anything, tho it was all right if people did, which i found a relief.
classfolk pointed out that the media, following george II's and powell's leads, are trying to incite us to rage. be angry! they cry. want to strike back! let emotions blind you then lead you stumbling after us.
i'm not angry, i pointed out to the girl next to me, who replied that she was (she's from new york). even so, retaliation is the last thing on her mind.
one of the most fascinating repercussions i've seen has been in the blogging world. people are writing and sharing their personal impressions/reactions as this drama unfolds.
that's nearly unprecedented. it's like a book is being written in serial form and you can read it page by page as it develops, get different perspectives (nori was in austria when she heard; tinman was in manhattan,) see how everyone makes sense of it in their own way. someday these will all be primary source documents. the future will want to know what we were thinking.
rebecca's mom was on cbs news this morning -- i saw her interviewed briefly in a clip our film prof showed us. today's coverage has become much more polished and accordingly colder; i'm less interested in watching news at all. as ross says, what more can they tell us? they can just show off their kitchy computerized graphics and replay the footage one more time.
meanwhile, in matters not related to this, becca called me Brechtian b/c i interrupt life's scenes sometimes to call attention to certain choices people make or specific words they say. having not read brecht, i can't have much of a reaction. my impression was that he was a cold guy; she says no. *shrug* ross and i squabbled over bananas this morning. who knew they would be such a controversial issue. marc is back from the hospital -- he had a cyst removed. i guess that's about it, news-wise.
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
this [link deleted] made me shudder. ben came up behind me a minute ago while i was reading thru posts at adequacy.org and i had misted over. i've gone back and forth all day. when i first saw the video footage, i nearly cried; at other points, i've made caustic comments or tried to be funny, as has justin. i listened to bush's uninspiring, uninspired preachiness. i listened to npr alternate b/w straightforward reports and sorta melodramatic somber string music. i discussed w/ my barnmates the future of america: will, as joel believes, george II's videogame inclinations get the better of the little of his good judgement there is and he starts bombing countries the way frustrated teenagers break windows? he thinks this is the beginning of the end of america's position of superiority in the world. rebecca concurs: the eu is getting stronger, america's been in decline (ross chimes in: asian economies are booming) -- we're going to swing our arms too wildly, desperate to strike an invisible/mutable foe, and we're going to lose our balance and fall. hard.
my barnies are pessimists. i have a good feeling about america, maybe just because i'm in it. maybe we won't be an isolated First in the world -- so what? it'll be good for us. i don't think we'll meet so drastic a fate. most of the people i've heard speak so far have been too rational. everyone is cautioning against immediately blaming the arabs; advising restraint; etc. so far we don't sound like a country that's going to get so wrapped up in our own objectless fury that we shoot ourselves off the map.
ross drew pink "tears" down my cheek that won't scrub off. they've faded some but people keep asking me what they are. ben just hugged me again and told me to do something else. i have plenty of history reading; it's just hard to concentrate. a guy is circling asking for a spare copy of moby dick. only at swat.
life continues tomorrow. slowly and painfully for some, less so for others. yet to be determined how for me, but rest assured, you will be kept informed.
my barnies are pessimists. i have a good feeling about america, maybe just because i'm in it. maybe we won't be an isolated First in the world -- so what? it'll be good for us. i don't think we'll meet so drastic a fate. most of the people i've heard speak so far have been too rational. everyone is cautioning against immediately blaming the arabs; advising restraint; etc. so far we don't sound like a country that's going to get so wrapped up in our own objectless fury that we shoot ourselves off the map.
ross drew pink "tears" down my cheek that won't scrub off. they've faded some but people keep asking me what they are. ben just hugged me again and told me to do something else. i have plenty of history reading; it's just hard to concentrate. a guy is circling asking for a spare copy of moby dick. only at swat.
life continues tomorrow. slowly and painfully for some, less so for others. yet to be determined how for me, but rest assured, you will be kept informed.
this just in: arafat shocked. makes me think of that famous claude raines scene from casablanca.
so apparently the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine, who claimed responsibility for the attacks at 10:30, have now backed away from that. their leader has expressed condolences. the above article has details -- and it made me want to vomit, especially the part where the woman said she's looking forward to the next similar action in israel:
please, please, no.
so apparently the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine, who claimed responsibility for the attacks at 10:30, have now backed away from that. their leader has expressed condolences. the above article has details -- and it made me want to vomit, especially the part where the woman said she's looking forward to the next similar action in israel:
"Demonstrators distributed candy in a traditional gesture of celebration. Several Palestinian gunmen shot in the air, while other marchers carried Palestinian flags. Nawal Abdel Fatah, 48, wearing a long, black dress, threw sweets in the air, saying she was happy because ``America is the head of the snake, America always stands by Israel in its war against us.''
Her daughter Maysoon, 22, said she hoped the next attack would be launched against Tel Aviv."
please, please, no.
'Queen Elizabeth II sent a message of condolence expressing her "disbelief and total shock."' according to this article from cnn.com. doesn't that make you feel better?
my god.
everyone in europe is expressing condolences. israel is pulling out everyone from their embassies around the world. i wonder if they know something we don't or if they're just being safe.
the skyline will look entirely different now. what year did the british burn down the white house? 18-something, right? we rebuilt it. i wonder whether we'll do the same or whether, out of morbid stubbornness or plain nostalgia, we leave the rubble. or, better, erect a monument?
did nostradamus say anything about this? that's what i want to know.
my mother called me early this morning while becca and i were listening to the radio. we were still laughing about it b/c it seemed so freakish and unbelievable. i told her to take grandpa and grandma and go to rockville. my dad's safe in albuquerque. it's like independence day, becca and i squealed to each other. george II got on the radio to stammer about how this "would not stand." we rolled our eyes and said, shut UP. that man is a moron.
we brought a walkman to class, for which we were late, and b/w that class and the next someone told me that the towers had actually collapsed. i didn't believe him at first but another person confirmed it. in my next class, polisci, my prof came in wearing a makeshift black armband, looken shaken and near-epileptic. he said we were free to go (only about 10 of us were there anyway) but if we wanted to stay and talk about it, we could. i lingered a few minutes, then walked out in search of a computer. i ran into alison in kohlberg and the two of us went to LPAC, where someone had hooked up a huge screen and people were scattered throughout the theater. we watched peter jennings ramble on about wars and terrorism while behind him, on the monitor, the twin towers exploded and fell, smoke rose in thick rings around the neighboring buildings, and people scattered, holding shirts over their noses, over and over again on a loop.
eventually we went to lunch. everyone was just as shaken there. who doesn't have family in either ny or dc? almost all of philly has been closed down as well: the train service into the city, the principal train station in the city. oh, and disney land has just been closed. i guess america's covering all its bases. as long as the liberty bell and disney land are safe, we're okay.
how much longer will this go on? will they rebuild the twin towers? will they reopen the airports? i'm sorry, i know i'm just reitering the same questions everyone's asking. but christ. people are calling this the worst terrorist attack and most serious threat to america since pearl harbor. and then we knew who our enemies were AND had a strong, reassuring president.
i think i'm going to go home and hook up the tv. and call my mom again.
i hope everyone's safe.
my god.
everyone in europe is expressing condolences. israel is pulling out everyone from their embassies around the world. i wonder if they know something we don't or if they're just being safe.
the skyline will look entirely different now. what year did the british burn down the white house? 18-something, right? we rebuilt it. i wonder whether we'll do the same or whether, out of morbid stubbornness or plain nostalgia, we leave the rubble. or, better, erect a monument?
did nostradamus say anything about this? that's what i want to know.
my mother called me early this morning while becca and i were listening to the radio. we were still laughing about it b/c it seemed so freakish and unbelievable. i told her to take grandpa and grandma and go to rockville. my dad's safe in albuquerque. it's like independence day, becca and i squealed to each other. george II got on the radio to stammer about how this "would not stand." we rolled our eyes and said, shut UP. that man is a moron.
we brought a walkman to class, for which we were late, and b/w that class and the next someone told me that the towers had actually collapsed. i didn't believe him at first but another person confirmed it. in my next class, polisci, my prof came in wearing a makeshift black armband, looken shaken and near-epileptic. he said we were free to go (only about 10 of us were there anyway) but if we wanted to stay and talk about it, we could. i lingered a few minutes, then walked out in search of a computer. i ran into alison in kohlberg and the two of us went to LPAC, where someone had hooked up a huge screen and people were scattered throughout the theater. we watched peter jennings ramble on about wars and terrorism while behind him, on the monitor, the twin towers exploded and fell, smoke rose in thick rings around the neighboring buildings, and people scattered, holding shirts over their noses, over and over again on a loop.
eventually we went to lunch. everyone was just as shaken there. who doesn't have family in either ny or dc? almost all of philly has been closed down as well: the train service into the city, the principal train station in the city. oh, and disney land has just been closed. i guess america's covering all its bases. as long as the liberty bell and disney land are safe, we're okay.
how much longer will this go on? will they rebuild the twin towers? will they reopen the airports? i'm sorry, i know i'm just reitering the same questions everyone's asking. but christ. people are calling this the worst terrorist attack and most serious threat to america since pearl harbor. and then we knew who our enemies were AND had a strong, reassuring president.
i think i'm going to go home and hook up the tv. and call my mom again.
i hope everyone's safe.
Monday, September 10, 2001
dude, i'm supposed to be reading e-reserves. for those of you unfamiliar w/ the notion, e-reserves are an unnatural phenomenon which occurs when professors decide that legibility makes reading too easy and scan printed material online. the assumption, i gather, is that everything here should be challenging; otherwise we students will tire and transfer to princeton (#1, and one has to ask, Why?). but having billions of polisci pages to read is worse than knowing you have to read them on a computer screen, on adobe acrobat no less, squinting as you pull down w/ that doofy little hand. yuck.
i was thinking today about how passive-agressive i can be. i say incendiary things to people, hoping they'll start a fight so that i can then say what i really want to. i could start the fight myself, dammit -- why don't i? haven't quite figured that part out. besides, the majority of the time, the person whom i'm trying to instigate into instigating a confrontation usually doesn't get it and my ire shrugs, yawns, and wanders in another direction.
also today, i discovered that the same nite i dreamt liz asked me to come over b/c she was upset and i told her i'd be right over (only naturally i couldn't be), she actually was upset. talk about psychic links.
dinner tonite was funny and fun. i luv my barnies. and lana, who called, and ben, who called but didn't leave his cellphone number (not ben-the-bunny; other ben, ben my oldest guyfriend. oh hell, here's a picture: ) and i luv ben I, the bunny -- i took a beyond-words picture of him and it's now hanging up on my computer in my room. every time i look at it, i smile like a fool. i am a fool.
i was thinking today about how passive-agressive i can be. i say incendiary things to people, hoping they'll start a fight so that i can then say what i really want to. i could start the fight myself, dammit -- why don't i? haven't quite figured that part out. besides, the majority of the time, the person whom i'm trying to instigate into instigating a confrontation usually doesn't get it and my ire shrugs, yawns, and wanders in another direction.
also today, i discovered that the same nite i dreamt liz asked me to come over b/c she was upset and i told her i'd be right over (only naturally i couldn't be), she actually was upset. talk about psychic links.
dinner tonite was funny and fun. i luv my barnies. and lana, who called, and ben, who called but didn't leave his cellphone number (not ben-the-bunny; other ben, ben my oldest guyfriend. oh hell, here's a picture: ) and i luv ben I, the bunny -- i took a beyond-words picture of him and it's now hanging up on my computer in my room. every time i look at it, i smile like a fool. i am a fool.
according to this link from chris's page, i am most like a handful of webloggers i've never heard of. if anyone wants to check them out and get back to me, i'd be interested as always in another opinion. i'll do it myself too later today when i have more time.
as always, getting to the city yesterday relaxed me. in part it's just boarding a train, i think: there's something very soothing about that action. it reminds you that escape is easy, available, and quick. meeting newly-dyed becca whose sortapurple hair has apparently caused quite a stir on penn's rather conservatively dressed campus. we laughed at the differences b/w her skool and mine: where i go, you'd have to stick your head up your ass and walk around like that to get any reaction from people at all.
we went to pod, another of steven starr's asian fusian places in the area. the atmosphere is a trip, all bathroom white and 2001-like, with neon lights flashing in various corners and bizarre music that fades in and out of coherence. waitstaff (white shirts, blue pants) ask if it's your first time and explain the rituals as if you've crossed a border, and busboys (white shirts, orange pants) come by every few minutes, replace your plate and silverware, and wipe your table. becca and i lived it up, ordering (to share) an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. the waiter didn't think that would be enuf and gave us a salad too. it was all good, but put us back $30 each, so it's not something we were sure we'd do again. at least not w/o a parent.
now i have to meet marc for lunch. tonite stefanie's coming for dinner after african dance. i finished master and margarita which i heartily recommend. i wonder if i'll have time for anymore (much more) frivolous reading this semester ... so far i've been keeping myself in a state of denial and that can't last
as always, getting to the city yesterday relaxed me. in part it's just boarding a train, i think: there's something very soothing about that action. it reminds you that escape is easy, available, and quick. meeting newly-dyed becca whose sortapurple hair has apparently caused quite a stir on penn's rather conservatively dressed campus. we laughed at the differences b/w her skool and mine: where i go, you'd have to stick your head up your ass and walk around like that to get any reaction from people at all.
we went to pod, another of steven starr's asian fusian places in the area. the atmosphere is a trip, all bathroom white and 2001-like, with neon lights flashing in various corners and bizarre music that fades in and out of coherence. waitstaff (white shirts, blue pants) ask if it's your first time and explain the rituals as if you've crossed a border, and busboys (white shirts, orange pants) come by every few minutes, replace your plate and silverware, and wipe your table. becca and i lived it up, ordering (to share) an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. the waiter didn't think that would be enuf and gave us a salad too. it was all good, but put us back $30 each, so it's not something we were sure we'd do again. at least not w/o a parent.
now i have to meet marc for lunch. tonite stefanie's coming for dinner after african dance. i finished master and margarita which i heartily recommend. i wonder if i'll have time for anymore (much more) frivolous reading this semester ... so far i've been keeping myself in a state of denial and that can't last
Sunday, September 09, 2001
blah. reblogger, the service that runs the comments section of this page, just changed servers. that's why that's been down for a couple days. i just updated to his new version; unfortunately, the side effect was that all the comments that had been here are lost. sorry, guys. feel free to add new ones ... and/or solace.
i'm alone in a computer lab. marc scolded me a few minutes ago. among other things, he said that he and rachel block both love me, sure, but they find it hard to be around me since it seems like i have no problems, do no work, and have nothing to stress about. bull-shit. that got me angry: i do, i said; i just don't bitch about it. but from there he launched into a speech about how i don't see him enuf. finally we arranged a lunch date. he kissed on top of the head, lingering there for a moment or two, and left me, defeated and sapped.
again, blah. what right does anyone have to tell someone else they don't have problems?
i don't have time for this; i have reading to do. but i hate simply being told things. there are times when i take orders well -- like just being able to Do as Told. then there are times where i snap back, hard. diet coke is one sore spot; there are others. last nite i dreamt of looking for parking spaces but finding them all marked Handicapped. also of talking to liz, who was upset about something. i promised her i'd come right over, only to wake up and find that i couldn't.
evening in philly w/ (penn)becca. i'm beginning to get stressed. so much reading this week ....
i'm alone in a computer lab. marc scolded me a few minutes ago. among other things, he said that he and rachel block both love me, sure, but they find it hard to be around me since it seems like i have no problems, do no work, and have nothing to stress about. bull-shit. that got me angry: i do, i said; i just don't bitch about it. but from there he launched into a speech about how i don't see him enuf. finally we arranged a lunch date. he kissed on top of the head, lingering there for a moment or two, and left me, defeated and sapped.
again, blah. what right does anyone have to tell someone else they don't have problems?
i don't have time for this; i have reading to do. but i hate simply being told things. there are times when i take orders well -- like just being able to Do as Told. then there are times where i snap back, hard. diet coke is one sore spot; there are others. last nite i dreamt of looking for parking spaces but finding them all marked Handicapped. also of talking to liz, who was upset about something. i promised her i'd come right over, only to wake up and find that i couldn't.
evening in philly w/ (penn)becca. i'm beginning to get stressed. so much reading this week ....
Saturday, September 08, 2001
writing in willets, man ... yeahhh ... that's the stuff. i'm so glad i don't live in this building. it's all white cinderblock and vomit-absorbing carpets, which the athletes, who represent the majority of inhabitors here, make good use of. the smell is the worse part. but these are the only computers open to us poor barnies at 8-something on a saturday nite, so there it is.
last nite, ross and ben djed their dance party. people came, which was exciting; more freshman than folks we knew, which was not so much, but at least the froshes could dance. and did. it was impressive, really. people got very into it. i was a little enhanced, so to speak, which was appropriate, or at least traditional. last year at this time, mariah and i recollected as we did shots together, she and i got smashed in willets. this time, in addition to the alky, we met up w/ rob and his bowl. a bad combination, i know, i know. but i didn't feel like thinking. the boys would expect me to dance, and i find it difficult to dance when unenhanced. it's a confidence thing. alcohol is a great substitute for confidence, grace, lack of attraction, the need to be coherent ... little wonder it's retained its popularity over the years. especially at college. :-)
we've just met up w/ a freshman famous, or infamous, for being listed in the cygnet as "rogg". as he just explained to us, we may also know him for having given himself a concussion on day 1 and straining his groin playing ultimate frisbee. "i thought i had a hernia," he explains. "i had to reveal myself to the nurse at 12 o'clock at night and consequently the doctor the next morning. p.s.: they had cold hands." he's used the word "nevertheless" twice so far and he moves a lot when he speaks. the freshman class seems full of interesting characters. last nite there was no lack of people interpretative dancing, for one thing. i'm eternally impressed by people who do shit like that naturally.
eventually my mixture of substances knocked me out -- i fell asleep in a large chair in trotter, the building behind which ben and ross were feverishly conducting their party. rob woke up me and we stumbled over to his and ben's room, where he collapsed in his bed and i in ben's, still skirted and shirted and all that jazz. this morning i felt disgusting and left ben, who had joined me at some point during the night, to return to the barn. i spent the rest of the day lounging in pajamas, reading master and margarita, chillin w/ the barnies, and talking w/ various people (among them pennbecca who has gone and acquired herself another bunny. good fun, i say. and she seems happy. tomorrow we meet to watch her new bunny perform in some show and then go to pod.) tonite is going to be as calm as today was. i can only do craziness in small doses. dork? yes. and speaking of which, here is the working link to my review of ghost world. let me know if you agree.
last nite, ross and ben djed their dance party. people came, which was exciting; more freshman than folks we knew, which was not so much, but at least the froshes could dance. and did. it was impressive, really. people got very into it. i was a little enhanced, so to speak, which was appropriate, or at least traditional. last year at this time, mariah and i recollected as we did shots together, she and i got smashed in willets. this time, in addition to the alky, we met up w/ rob and his bowl. a bad combination, i know, i know. but i didn't feel like thinking. the boys would expect me to dance, and i find it difficult to dance when unenhanced. it's a confidence thing. alcohol is a great substitute for confidence, grace, lack of attraction, the need to be coherent ... little wonder it's retained its popularity over the years. especially at college. :-)
we've just met up w/ a freshman famous, or infamous, for being listed in the cygnet as "rogg". as he just explained to us, we may also know him for having given himself a concussion on day 1 and straining his groin playing ultimate frisbee. "i thought i had a hernia," he explains. "i had to reveal myself to the nurse at 12 o'clock at night and consequently the doctor the next morning. p.s.: they had cold hands." he's used the word "nevertheless" twice so far and he moves a lot when he speaks. the freshman class seems full of interesting characters. last nite there was no lack of people interpretative dancing, for one thing. i'm eternally impressed by people who do shit like that naturally.
eventually my mixture of substances knocked me out -- i fell asleep in a large chair in trotter, the building behind which ben and ross were feverishly conducting their party. rob woke up me and we stumbled over to his and ben's room, where he collapsed in his bed and i in ben's, still skirted and shirted and all that jazz. this morning i felt disgusting and left ben, who had joined me at some point during the night, to return to the barn. i spent the rest of the day lounging in pajamas, reading master and margarita, chillin w/ the barnies, and talking w/ various people (among them pennbecca who has gone and acquired herself another bunny. good fun, i say. and she seems happy. tomorrow we meet to watch her new bunny perform in some show and then go to pod.) tonite is going to be as calm as today was. i can only do craziness in small doses. dork? yes. and speaking of which, here is the working link to my review of ghost world. let me know if you agree.
Friday, September 07, 2001
i can't believe the difference a day makes. apparently blogger made me a Blog o' Note around 8/3. before that, i was averaging fewer than 20 visitors a day. immediately thereafter, the number jumped, and it's been escalating since: yesterday, the number was 340. over a thousand for the week. nuts! but exciting --
yesterday, my skool day ended at 12:35 and my weekend began. ross and i went back to the barn and made sandwiches to music and looked over pictures. i was near-giddy: it felt so good to leave campus, go to a house, pace through a kitchen, eat what you want, and sing, loudly. the glories of off-campus life.
the downside, of course, is that there are fewer social interactions. i decided to take some initiative to remedy that. i went back on campus and stayed there til 10:30, finding people to talk to and talking to them. jolly and kenny, a friend of ours from last year, bought me dinner in sharples, our dining hall, which strengthened my bond to our kitchen in the barn. god that place is a mess. i was always intimidated by the crowds and the noise. guess i'm such a bashful country girl at heart.
ruby's reading this as we speak -- he's next to me in the library. i scrolled down and showed him the descriptions of folk and he got so excited that he was in the cast of characters that his face turned salmon and he giggled. silly ruby.
i haven't seen too much of him this semester so far. between macking on the new freshman class and his 2-credit history seminar, i think he's been swamped. but we've run into each other and he always seems happy to see me, which i appreciate. i think b/c the barn-folk are so similar in a lot of ways, it's good for me to visit folk of a very different stripe. ruby is one; stefanie, who i got to chill w/ last nite, is another. she shares my birthday, i discovered. that's a first for me. i always thought the only such were edgar degas, lizzie borden, and george mcgovern. i was quite excited.
but apart from that, she's sweet and earnest and down-to-earth, which are some of the characteristics i admire so much in ben. a complete lack of pretense. last nite, when i returned from my long-ass stint on campus,
i capped off my Day of Communication w/ a stopin to see mariah and finally got back to the barn. ross and becca were playing Boggle, except w/ a 5-by-5 board. i hadn't played since i was 9 but jumped in anyway. i got trounced, of course. becca was raised in an intensely-competitive game playing family and ross is naturally excellent at them. i got upset after we finished. the competitiveness bothered me, as did losing, as did just generally not being good. but most of all the attitude. i tend to feel, whenever i play games w/ them, that they think i'm stupid. maybe it's projection. i think it's part-and-parcel of the whole them calling me the child of the family thing. i don't know. it made me very glad to have ben and it made me miss home.
but i slept over there (at ben's) and this morning, joe came to the barn. i remembered how much i like him: he's such a good guy. that's all i need to do, keep finding different people. keep my mind off of missing my friends at home, with whom i don't have to prove anything or even really try. in general, it's not hard to be happy. i am happy. and now i have to go shopping.
yesterday, my skool day ended at 12:35 and my weekend began. ross and i went back to the barn and made sandwiches to music and looked over pictures. i was near-giddy: it felt so good to leave campus, go to a house, pace through a kitchen, eat what you want, and sing, loudly. the glories of off-campus life.
the downside, of course, is that there are fewer social interactions. i decided to take some initiative to remedy that. i went back on campus and stayed there til 10:30, finding people to talk to and talking to them. jolly and kenny, a friend of ours from last year, bought me dinner in sharples, our dining hall, which strengthened my bond to our kitchen in the barn. god that place is a mess. i was always intimidated by the crowds and the noise. guess i'm such a bashful country girl at heart.
ruby's reading this as we speak -- he's next to me in the library. i scrolled down and showed him the descriptions of folk and he got so excited that he was in the cast of characters that his face turned salmon and he giggled. silly ruby.
i haven't seen too much of him this semester so far. between macking on the new freshman class and his 2-credit history seminar, i think he's been swamped. but we've run into each other and he always seems happy to see me, which i appreciate. i think b/c the barn-folk are so similar in a lot of ways, it's good for me to visit folk of a very different stripe. ruby is one; stefanie, who i got to chill w/ last nite, is another. she shares my birthday, i discovered. that's a first for me. i always thought the only such were edgar degas, lizzie borden, and george mcgovern. i was quite excited.
but apart from that, she's sweet and earnest and down-to-earth, which are some of the characteristics i admire so much in ben. a complete lack of pretense. last nite, when i returned from my long-ass stint on campus,
i capped off my Day of Communication w/ a stopin to see mariah and finally got back to the barn. ross and becca were playing Boggle, except w/ a 5-by-5 board. i hadn't played since i was 9 but jumped in anyway. i got trounced, of course. becca was raised in an intensely-competitive game playing family and ross is naturally excellent at them. i got upset after we finished. the competitiveness bothered me, as did losing, as did just generally not being good. but most of all the attitude. i tend to feel, whenever i play games w/ them, that they think i'm stupid. maybe it's projection. i think it's part-and-parcel of the whole them calling me the child of the family thing. i don't know. it made me very glad to have ben and it made me miss home.
but i slept over there (at ben's) and this morning, joe came to the barn. i remembered how much i like him: he's such a good guy. that's all i need to do, keep finding different people. keep my mind off of missing my friends at home, with whom i don't have to prove anything or even really try. in general, it's not hard to be happy. i am happy. and now i have to go shopping.
Thursday, September 06, 2001
i'm writing this from jolly's new room in willets. marc is stretched out on the bed, jeff is sitting awkwardly in laura's, jolly's new roommate, shark chair. jolly's drunk (holding up a glass full of something frothy and magenta: "it's orange juuuuuuice! it's orange juuuuuuuuuice!" and then, to jeff, who's itching to leave, "wait! i'm coming w/ you, i'm just bringing my drink ....") sorta like old times, sorta not at all.
the phoenix came out today, complete w/ my review of ghost world. i scanned it and was content to see that it was more or less untouched. i had been nervous -- suzanne wu, my new editor, is one of the intimidating cool folk, who always seem, however casually they talk to you, like they could at any moment get a glint in their eye and go for your throat in some devastating, brilliant way from which you'll never recover.
but -- all is well. ... so far ...
apparently we're having morgan over at the barn for dinner tonite. after, or after my phoenix meeting thereafter (or should i do spike?), i'm seeing stefanie, who's sweet and who i haven't seen much of yet. mariah and i had plans to meet but she never showed. the only bad thing about living off campus, besides the lack an internet connection, is that you don't randomly run into people. fewer chance encounters w/ intimidatingly cool folk = fewer chances of dying a brutal, cleverly executed death but also fewer adrenaline rushes. well, luckily, r. block is in the barn; she, if not i.c.f., requires particular attention in conversation.
ross is so cool. his entry made me laugh and laugh today in mccabe, the library, but as part of its charm exists b/c he feels relatively certain he's safe from the campus (no one knows it exists --> no one reads it --> he can be honest), i'm hesitant to do what my instinct is, i.e.: herd any and all readers over to his page right now. my advice is, find it for yourself -- it's incredibly easy and very worth it.
marc is ringing jolly's cowbell to get my attention so i'll go now. here begins Weekend I ....
the phoenix came out today, complete w/ my review of ghost world. i scanned it and was content to see that it was more or less untouched. i had been nervous -- suzanne wu, my new editor, is one of the intimidating cool folk, who always seem, however casually they talk to you, like they could at any moment get a glint in their eye and go for your throat in some devastating, brilliant way from which you'll never recover.
but -- all is well. ... so far ...
apparently we're having morgan over at the barn for dinner tonite. after, or after my phoenix meeting thereafter (or should i do spike?), i'm seeing stefanie, who's sweet and who i haven't seen much of yet. mariah and i had plans to meet but she never showed. the only bad thing about living off campus, besides the lack an internet connection, is that you don't randomly run into people. fewer chance encounters w/ intimidatingly cool folk = fewer chances of dying a brutal, cleverly executed death but also fewer adrenaline rushes. well, luckily, r. block is in the barn; she, if not i.c.f., requires particular attention in conversation.
ross is so cool. his entry made me laugh and laugh today in mccabe, the library, but as part of its charm exists b/c he feels relatively certain he's safe from the campus (no one knows it exists --> no one reads it --> he can be honest), i'm hesitant to do what my instinct is, i.e.: herd any and all readers over to his page right now. my advice is, find it for yourself -- it's incredibly easy and very worth it.
marc is ringing jolly's cowbell to get my attention so i'll go now. here begins Weekend I ....
Wednesday, September 05, 2001
dude! i'm a blog of note on blogger's front page. kickass. i didn't figure it out at first -- i just kept getting new entries in the guestbook congratulating me. what can i say? i'm slow.
i finished lot 49 this afternoon, which was crazy in that functional wish-more-books-were-like-that way. lots of arguments about film and literature recently, stemming from the film and media class joel and i are taking and the english class joel ross and ben are taking. becca says film is sexier; that's the only reason analysis of it seems more attractive. i say pretentious film people are bad, but there's nothing worse than an intelligent person gone snobby about books, to the point where he deconstructs them past recognition and/or the author's intent and cannot simply enjoy reading. i would adore english -- i would take nothing but classes on books -- if all we did was read and discuss, bounce ideas back and forth and bask in the glow of a beneficient, wise professor's insight.
unfortunately, English isn't about that. the important part of English as a Subject now is to write essays.
-- aww, shit, man, i don't feel like getting into this again. :-) basically, the beginning of the end for me came when, in eleventh grade honors english, we had to write on Great Expectations. being in the throes of a blinding, disemboding passion for the Subject, i composed, against all sense and or logic, a
well-reasoned, carefully thought-through piece on how Miss Havisham needs to rape Pip in order to free her from the spell of frozen time set in place when she was jilted on her wedding nite.
ridiculous? oh, i know.
but my reward was an A, and in my skool, that was nothing to sneeze at. that teacher ended up writing me a rec.that perhaps lubed my way into college. i'm grateful; but i can't forget that to obtain that elusive, precious acknowledgement of effort and intelligence, that "A", i had to write a pretty bullshit essay that has colored the novel for me ever since. not that it was ever one of my favorites; still. .
goddamn, what am i babbling about? i have to go to film again in a second. (penn)becca is supposed to come over this afternoon -- should be exciting. i need to pick my 4th class. my life is good. this place is like a jello mold and we're all chunks of fruit, dropped in and so thoroughly enclosed that we forget anything else ever existed. ... well, not quite. i miss my folks. maybe i just need to pretend i don't.
i finished lot 49 this afternoon, which was crazy in that functional wish-more-books-were-like-that way. lots of arguments about film and literature recently, stemming from the film and media class joel and i are taking and the english class joel ross and ben are taking. becca says film is sexier; that's the only reason analysis of it seems more attractive. i say pretentious film people are bad, but there's nothing worse than an intelligent person gone snobby about books, to the point where he deconstructs them past recognition and/or the author's intent and cannot simply enjoy reading. i would adore english -- i would take nothing but classes on books -- if all we did was read and discuss, bounce ideas back and forth and bask in the glow of a beneficient, wise professor's insight.
unfortunately, English isn't about that. the important part of English as a Subject now is to write essays.
-- aww, shit, man, i don't feel like getting into this again. :-) basically, the beginning of the end for me came when, in eleventh grade honors english, we had to write on Great Expectations. being in the throes of a blinding, disemboding passion for the Subject, i composed, against all sense and or logic, a
well-reasoned, carefully thought-through piece on how Miss Havisham needs to rape Pip in order to free her from the spell of frozen time set in place when she was jilted on her wedding nite.
ridiculous? oh, i know.
but my reward was an A, and in my skool, that was nothing to sneeze at. that teacher ended up writing me a rec.that perhaps lubed my way into college. i'm grateful; but i can't forget that to obtain that elusive, precious acknowledgement of effort and intelligence, that "A", i had to write a pretty bullshit essay that has colored the novel for me ever since. not that it was ever one of my favorites; still. .
goddamn, what am i babbling about? i have to go to film again in a second. (penn)becca is supposed to come over this afternoon -- should be exciting. i need to pick my 4th class. my life is good. this place is like a jello mold and we're all chunks of fruit, dropped in and so thoroughly enclosed that we forget anything else ever existed. ... well, not quite. i miss my folks. maybe i just need to pretend i don't.
Tuesday, September 04, 2001
have i mentioned how bizarre it is to live w/o a working watch or a mirror? we have little shoulders-up mirrors but no full length ones, nothing that gives you a sense of how you look. just wandering around the barn becomes easier, then -- you don't have to worry about running into a reminder that you're sloppy or tired or half-dressed. but before one ventures to the outside world, it helps to be reassured that you're decent. all i have are people's impressions, and even the most honest folks surely can't be counted on to be that objective ... *sigh* this just stems from the fact that i'm wearing a shirt becca bought me and i'm feeling self-conscious.
last nite joel, a friend of his, and i made a wonderful makeshift dinner. since we're nearly out of groceries and our fuses are still faulty, we did a lot of improvising (borrowing yogurt, substituting soymilk to make half the dish vegan, baking in the toaster) but it was fun and it came out well. so far i've only been to sharples, the dining hall, once. i suppose once i'm outfitted w/ points that number will rise -- being moneyless limits my options. but making actual food, like last nite's tandoori and curry and spinach and stuff, kicks ass.
two more classes this morning, stat and american politics, both of which seem all right. politics actually seems like it'll rock; prof has a very dry sense of humor and a clear liberal bent. good mix. i have quakerism in a minute, then after my only substantial break today (2 hours), a meeting w/ the foreign study office guy and then film from 7 - 10. christ. on the non-scholastic side of things, i'm halfway thru Crying of Lot 49 so that i'll have some pynchon under my belt. and i wrote my first film review of the semester last nite, on ghost world. i fussed more than i usually do b/c it's number one both for su wu, my new editor, and for this new semester.
i should just walk around wearing pup tents, never look up, and never try anything. i am way too ridiculously afraid of being judged.
last nite joel, a friend of his, and i made a wonderful makeshift dinner. since we're nearly out of groceries and our fuses are still faulty, we did a lot of improvising (borrowing yogurt, substituting soymilk to make half the dish vegan, baking in the toaster) but it was fun and it came out well. so far i've only been to sharples, the dining hall, once. i suppose once i'm outfitted w/ points that number will rise -- being moneyless limits my options. but making actual food, like last nite's tandoori and curry and spinach and stuff, kicks ass.
two more classes this morning, stat and american politics, both of which seem all right. politics actually seems like it'll rock; prof has a very dry sense of humor and a clear liberal bent. good mix. i have quakerism in a minute, then after my only substantial break today (2 hours), a meeting w/ the foreign study office guy and then film from 7 - 10. christ. on the non-scholastic side of things, i'm halfway thru Crying of Lot 49 so that i'll have some pynchon under my belt. and i wrote my first film review of the semester last nite, on ghost world. i fussed more than i usually do b/c it's number one both for su wu, my new editor, and for this new semester.
i should just walk around wearing pup tents, never look up, and never try anything. i am way too ridiculously afraid of being judged.
Monday, September 03, 2001
just finished attending my very first class here (Murder!) the prof is a sweet guy who's probably gay and who you can tell really enjoys the material. he gets this cute half-concealed sadistic smile anytime he talks about how hard the course is. the composition of the class is as interesting as the stuff itself. there are a bunch of people who i know superficially who i'd like to know better, and sometimes the best way to do that is by hearing them discuss. and there's one brave frosh who seems cool -- ross and i chatted her up. so, yeah, so: 1 for 1, i think.
in an hour, i'm going to go try a religion class called Religious Literature: from the Song of Songs to something about Hindu saints. i have three religion classes that i'm considering, and/or stat w/ becca. theoretically i could take 5 classes but it might be a serious pain in the ass, especially since no one is particularly lightweight. we'll see. it would be fun to take religion and stat is necessary at some point to fulfill my last math/science requirement (whahoo!)
last nite our power in half the apartment went out. luckily i was one of the fortunate ones; unluckily, our fridge was not.
before that, i showed joel and becca my bday presents. we blew up the blowup doll, dressed him in a slip and took turns posing and taking compromising photographs; tried to find batteries for the sea-green contraption; and read thru the kama sutra like the mature, experienced adults we are. then we went to see the graduate on campus, which is a tradition, mostly for freshmen and seniors, who cheer and clap everytime benjamin says he has no direction or anne bancroft looks sexy (in other words, often.) i've never seen a better movie about alienation.
in an hour, i'm going to go try a religion class called Religious Literature: from the Song of Songs to something about Hindu saints. i have three religion classes that i'm considering, and/or stat w/ becca. theoretically i could take 5 classes but it might be a serious pain in the ass, especially since no one is particularly lightweight. we'll see. it would be fun to take religion and stat is necessary at some point to fulfill my last math/science requirement (whahoo!)
last nite our power in half the apartment went out. luckily i was one of the fortunate ones; unluckily, our fridge was not.
before that, i showed joel and becca my bday presents. we blew up the blowup doll, dressed him in a slip and took turns posing and taking compromising photographs; tried to find batteries for the sea-green contraption; and read thru the kama sutra like the mature, experienced adults we are. then we went to see the graduate on campus, which is a tradition, mostly for freshmen and seniors, who cheer and clap everytime benjamin says he has no direction or anne bancroft looks sexy (in other words, often.) i've never seen a better movie about alienation.
Sunday, September 02, 2001
"gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound -- i'm just gonna get my feet wet until i drown ..." -- miss ani. who, tho lovely, is nothing like miss annie, who it sounds like is not perfectly spacklelessly happy yet so let's all wish her the truest of true loves for her place, shall we?
that goes for all my summer chiclets, scattered as they are far and wide across the northeastern corner. from those farthest south (UMD i guess: hallo folks!) to, uh, NYU? no, northhampton!
which reminds me: ross and i were talking about which classes to take this morning and he decided to audit one of mine, Murder in a Mill Town. it's social history of America b/w the rev. war and the civil war. he wrote it down on his little piece of paper as "Murder!" and i commented that that word just doesn't look the same w/o the exclamation point.
i'm writing this now from ben's new room. there's a huge red framed picture of marx, engels, and lenin above the bed; it's funny and creepy at the same time. for now tho i'm facing the white-noncinderblock wall and the window that looks out on the nicest quad on campus. ahh, to be a junior w/ a good lottery number. not that the barn is anything to sneeze at, especially since we've painted it peach medley and lavendar and cleaned and swept and scoured and entertained! (dinner party last nite: what a trip) and hung up posters and pictures and started work on the hallway's knickknack (wow too many k's in that word) shelf.
for those of you who are confused, maybe i should compose a cast of characters: the new folk of whom i'll be writing for next interval. So We Have:
ben. the bunny. one year older, a bio/english(?) major, living in a 2-room double w/ rob, who has a throaty chuckle and malcolm x glasses and boatloads of asian art and books around. last year rob roomed w/ ruby, aka matt rubin, who's my year and a character: everyone on campus has at least heard of him, possibly resents him for one thing and has forgiven him for something else, but that's what happens when you're not only one of a very small number of republicans on campus and vocal about it to boot. last year, ruby went to italy over break w/ my roommate jocelyn aka jolly, who's charming and stylish in a chattering way and has more STUFF than anyone i know. this year, jolly's living in willets, the ghetto dorm, near marc, who was originally supposed to live w/ ruby last year but that plan miscarried, thank god -- marc ended up alone in a double. but he has enuf energy and flamboyance for two, especially once the alcohol starts flowing or someone turns on the madonna. also occasionally fueled by likker is mariah, who last year lived across the hall from joc and me and who this year will essentially be living w/ kent, her boyfriend, in another apartment in the barn. she's driven, political, very put together, often loud and more often laughing.
then there are the barnies: ross also possibly an english major -- certainly a unique individual -- loves music, loves to dance; rebecca, tall, dramatic, 1940's beauty type, who likes projects and unconventional color combinations; and joel, who i know least well: he's unselfconscious and sweet in an boyish way. but smart. they're all smart.
that'll do for now. there are others, of course, but i'll identify them as they come onto the scene.
the last few days have been lovely. family time in the barn, lots of bonding, including Dip of the Month -- a traditional skinny dip at the midnite when the month changes in the creek in the Crum, our campus forest. we swam under a full moon and emerged to dry ourselves around a bonfire left burning dimly from a freshman activity. then becca and i returned home still in towels; the boys, dressed, walked ahead.
and we have phone service! finally. goddamned verizon took forever to come thru. i'll email y'all the number as soon as i get it. now i should figure out what movie i'm going to see to review or whether i should do an old one, apocalypse now redux or ghost world. having su wu as my editor makes me nervous.
damn this is long. i guess i've been influenced: this morning, the barnies, ben, and i were sitting around reading rilke poetry and Moby Dick. oh man. welcome to swat.
that goes for all my summer chiclets, scattered as they are far and wide across the northeastern corner. from those farthest south (UMD i guess: hallo folks!) to, uh, NYU? no, northhampton!
which reminds me: ross and i were talking about which classes to take this morning and he decided to audit one of mine, Murder in a Mill Town. it's social history of America b/w the rev. war and the civil war. he wrote it down on his little piece of paper as "Murder!" and i commented that that word just doesn't look the same w/o the exclamation point.
i'm writing this now from ben's new room. there's a huge red framed picture of marx, engels, and lenin above the bed; it's funny and creepy at the same time. for now tho i'm facing the white-noncinderblock wall and the window that looks out on the nicest quad on campus. ahh, to be a junior w/ a good lottery number. not that the barn is anything to sneeze at, especially since we've painted it peach medley and lavendar and cleaned and swept and scoured and entertained! (dinner party last nite: what a trip) and hung up posters and pictures and started work on the hallway's knickknack (wow too many k's in that word) shelf.
for those of you who are confused, maybe i should compose a cast of characters: the new folk of whom i'll be writing for next interval. So We Have:
ben. the bunny. one year older, a bio/english(?) major, living in a 2-room double w/ rob, who has a throaty chuckle and malcolm x glasses and boatloads of asian art and books around. last year rob roomed w/ ruby, aka matt rubin, who's my year and a character: everyone on campus has at least heard of him, possibly resents him for one thing and has forgiven him for something else, but that's what happens when you're not only one of a very small number of republicans on campus and vocal about it to boot. last year, ruby went to italy over break w/ my roommate jocelyn aka jolly, who's charming and stylish in a chattering way and has more STUFF than anyone i know. this year, jolly's living in willets, the ghetto dorm, near marc, who was originally supposed to live w/ ruby last year but that plan miscarried, thank god -- marc ended up alone in a double. but he has enuf energy and flamboyance for two, especially once the alcohol starts flowing or someone turns on the madonna. also occasionally fueled by likker is mariah, who last year lived across the hall from joc and me and who this year will essentially be living w/ kent, her boyfriend, in another apartment in the barn. she's driven, political, very put together, often loud and more often laughing.
then there are the barnies: ross also possibly an english major -- certainly a unique individual -- loves music, loves to dance; rebecca, tall, dramatic, 1940's beauty type, who likes projects and unconventional color combinations; and joel, who i know least well: he's unselfconscious and sweet in an boyish way. but smart. they're all smart.
that'll do for now. there are others, of course, but i'll identify them as they come onto the scene.
the last few days have been lovely. family time in the barn, lots of bonding, including Dip of the Month -- a traditional skinny dip at the midnite when the month changes in the creek in the Crum, our campus forest. we swam under a full moon and emerged to dry ourselves around a bonfire left burning dimly from a freshman activity. then becca and i returned home still in towels; the boys, dressed, walked ahead.
and we have phone service! finally. goddamned verizon took forever to come thru. i'll email y'all the number as soon as i get it. now i should figure out what movie i'm going to see to review or whether i should do an old one, apocalypse now redux or ghost world. having su wu as my editor makes me nervous.
damn this is long. i guess i've been influenced: this morning, the barnies, ben, and i were sitting around reading rilke poetry and Moby Dick. oh man. welcome to swat.
Friday, August 31, 2001
i've been out of commission. paint fumes, lysol, sweat, w/ one or two scented candles throwing their weight around -- that's the smell of the barn where i've been spending nearly all my waking hours, to the extent that coming to campus is a Big Deal. just today, after lunch on the porch, ross and i decided to Come to Campus, and we had to get dressed, redo hair, grab bags, and smooth the butterflies in our stomachs. and i'm only barely exagerating.
still, tho we have much left to do, the barn reflects the effort we've been putting in. our common room is now a bright peach; the trim will soon be cream. my room looks more acceptable (i.e.: more like me.) my mattress came as promised, tho we have yet to get phone service (may verizon grow like a turnip w/ its head in the ground and its legs in the air.)
mostly the thing that's restored my optomism and nearly-immortal good cheer -- so alarming absent the last time i wrote -- was ben's arrival. our reunion happened in public, coincidentally, and was witnessed, if not applauded, by the whole freshman class. i can't even put into words the relief, the just general gooey happiness i felt to be w/ him again. two months is two long.
meetings start tonite. classes, monday. stress, soon -- i can already smell it in the air, like you can smell storms. i'm doing my best not to let things phase me. w/ any luck, all this craziness will sort itself out. everything ... will be ... okay.
still, tho we have much left to do, the barn reflects the effort we've been putting in. our common room is now a bright peach; the trim will soon be cream. my room looks more acceptable (i.e.: more like me.) my mattress came as promised, tho we have yet to get phone service (may verizon grow like a turnip w/ its head in the ground and its legs in the air.)
mostly the thing that's restored my optomism and nearly-immortal good cheer -- so alarming absent the last time i wrote -- was ben's arrival. our reunion happened in public, coincidentally, and was witnessed, if not applauded, by the whole freshman class. i can't even put into words the relief, the just general gooey happiness i felt to be w/ him again. two months is two long.
meetings start tonite. classes, monday. stress, soon -- i can already smell it in the air, like you can smell storms. i'm doing my best not to let things phase me. w/ any luck, all this craziness will sort itself out. everything ... will be ... okay.
Wednesday, August 29, 2001
FROM MCCABE (the swarthmore library): isn't that tremendously exciting? i don't know about you but i'm quivering w/ antici-- [say it! say it!] --pation.
maybe that was too sarcastic. i'm tired. it's hard to think straight: i've been inhaling soft scrub fumes all day. i woke up this morning at 7:15, alone, in a blue room that didn't feel like mine, alone, looking at a corner that seemed IKEA-perfect: neutral-colored desk, see-thru wastebasket, grey computer inoffensive enuf to look like a catalogue decoy. alone. my mother had fallen asleep next to me and i knew she was planning on leaving earlyearly morning, but i expected to wake up when she did to say goodbye. i didn't, and there are few things more depressing than being one person in a bed when you had hours before been one of two.
i just sat there for a while. i wrote. eventually i pulled out the book i was reading, got a bowl of dry cereal from the kitchen and curled up w/ my husband chair. that satisfied me for a while except that the book i was reading didn't agree w/ me. it's supposedly a scathing indictment of academia and political correctness; a satire; a sharp, perceptive character study. i just found it exhausting. worse, the author's writing style reshaped my thoughts for the next couple hours -- that always happens -- and drove me mad. but the barnies awoke and we met, talked, planned. becca and i scrubbed.
right now the rest of them are grocery shopping. i was not so enthused. the prospect of abadoning myself
to the internet seemed much more appealing. i'll rejoin them later. i wish i were happier. that'll come later too, i guess, perhaps w/ the bunny, who has yet to hop onto the scene. or perhaps not. but somehow i doubt i'll be terminally sad here. the smell of disinfectant and paint will fade. so will (perhaps concurrently) my memories of summer.
maybe that was too sarcastic. i'm tired. it's hard to think straight: i've been inhaling soft scrub fumes all day. i woke up this morning at 7:15, alone, in a blue room that didn't feel like mine, alone, looking at a corner that seemed IKEA-perfect: neutral-colored desk, see-thru wastebasket, grey computer inoffensive enuf to look like a catalogue decoy. alone. my mother had fallen asleep next to me and i knew she was planning on leaving earlyearly morning, but i expected to wake up when she did to say goodbye. i didn't, and there are few things more depressing than being one person in a bed when you had hours before been one of two.
i just sat there for a while. i wrote. eventually i pulled out the book i was reading, got a bowl of dry cereal from the kitchen and curled up w/ my husband chair. that satisfied me for a while except that the book i was reading didn't agree w/ me. it's supposedly a scathing indictment of academia and political correctness; a satire; a sharp, perceptive character study. i just found it exhausting. worse, the author's writing style reshaped my thoughts for the next couple hours -- that always happens -- and drove me mad. but the barnies awoke and we met, talked, planned. becca and i scrubbed.
right now the rest of them are grocery shopping. i was not so enthused. the prospect of abadoning myself
to the internet seemed much more appealing. i'll rejoin them later. i wish i were happier. that'll come later too, i guess, perhaps w/ the bunny, who has yet to hop onto the scene. or perhaps not. but somehow i doubt i'll be terminally sad here. the smell of disinfectant and paint will fade. so will (perhaps concurrently) my memories of summer.
Monday, August 27, 2001
i got all moody this evening when liz jay and i went to umd to tuck lana into her new life. actually she needed no help from us. unexpectedly, her room has sufficient space for four people -- it's light blue and they've done a sweet job decorating and aside from the lack of air-conditioning, it seems very functional. jamie was there to meet us too. she and lana both seemed very settled. nomi joins them tomorrow.
i'm not sure why i got upset. maybe it was just the whole summer's-ending thing. it was a damn good summer. one can be relatively certain about the past and just as certain that there are no guarantees for the future. i don't know why i'm so timid. it'll be different! it'll be new! it'll be exciting! but when i look beyond tomorrow morning (packing car, driving off) all i see is white space. a page to be filled in and not-so-much by me.
bah. at least i'm not too stressed from packing: i've pretty much got everything under control. the only thing is i don't remember what size bed i have in my room so i don't know what size sheets, comforter, &c. to bring. i tried calling but the phone isn't plugged in yet (note to all thinking of contacting me by phone: call the cell. i'll have it w/ me and yes, i remembered to pack the recharger so it'll continue to work and continue and continue like that goddamned energizer bunny.) speaking of bunnies, that's something to look fwd to -- i talked to him tonite; he tried to calm me down. futile. but fun. :-) he advised finding something to punch.
it'll be okay. everything always is.
i have the liz phair song stuck in my head: "go on ahead":
You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend
I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
I believe when you sleep I am near to you
You walk out of the room with your hands so deep in your pockets, I don't
Recognize you
You say you're a ghost in our house and I realize I do think I see through you
It's a death in our love that has brought us here
It's a birth that has changed our lives
It's a place that I hope we'll be leaving soon
And I fear for the year in his eyes
And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it, but you hold me and I can't feel you
We hurt but we smile
I promise I'll make it back when the summer has warmed me awhile
hmm, i've done much quoting recently ...
anyway, til i can update again, everyone, have a wonderful nite and a last few wonderful moments of summer.
i'm not sure why i got upset. maybe it was just the whole summer's-ending thing. it was a damn good summer. one can be relatively certain about the past and just as certain that there are no guarantees for the future. i don't know why i'm so timid. it'll be different! it'll be new! it'll be exciting! but when i look beyond tomorrow morning (packing car, driving off) all i see is white space. a page to be filled in and not-so-much by me.
bah. at least i'm not too stressed from packing: i've pretty much got everything under control. the only thing is i don't remember what size bed i have in my room so i don't know what size sheets, comforter, &c. to bring. i tried calling but the phone isn't plugged in yet (note to all thinking of contacting me by phone: call the cell. i'll have it w/ me and yes, i remembered to pack the recharger so it'll continue to work and continue and continue like that goddamned energizer bunny.) speaking of bunnies, that's something to look fwd to -- i talked to him tonite; he tried to calm me down. futile. but fun. :-) he advised finding something to punch.
it'll be okay. everything always is.
i have the liz phair song stuck in my head: "go on ahead":
You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend
I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
I believe when you sleep I am near to you
You walk out of the room with your hands so deep in your pockets, I don't
Recognize you
You say you're a ghost in our house and I realize I do think I see through you
It's a death in our love that has brought us here
It's a birth that has changed our lives
It's a place that I hope we'll be leaving soon
And I fear for the year in his eyes
And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it, but you hold me and I can't feel you
We hurt but we smile
I promise I'll make it back when the summer has warmed me awhile
hmm, i've done much quoting recently ...
anyway, til i can update again, everyone, have a wonderful nite and a last few wonderful moments of summer.
Damn everything but the circus!
...damn everything that is grim, dull,
motionless, unrisking, inward turning,
damn everything that won't get into the
circle, that won't enjoy, that won't throw
its heart into the tension, surprise, fear
and delight of the circus, the round
world, the full existence...
e.e. cummings
(courtesy of hanging on)
also, a link: this guy is one of the smoothest writers i've come across on the web so far: the bleat. i guess that's cause he writes a column for a living.
...damn everything that is grim, dull,
motionless, unrisking, inward turning,
damn everything that won't get into the
circle, that won't enjoy, that won't throw
its heart into the tension, surprise, fear
and delight of the circus, the round
world, the full existence...
e.e. cummings
(courtesy of hanging on)
also, a link: this guy is one of the smoothest writers i've come across on the web so far: the bleat. i guess that's cause he writes a column for a living.
shit, man, i just revamped all the poetry pages, including the poetry page itself. give it a look, wouldja? i have a cramp in my side from sitting in the same position for 2 hours. but it looks a lot cleaner and more professional, i think.
thanks to becca for the tip about the frames; to liz for the tip about the colors; and to rob for the emailed kiss on the cheek.
i'm okay, if you get me at a good angle
and you're okay, in the right sort of light
we don't look like pages from a magazine, but baby
that's all right; baby, that's all right ...
let's show 'em all how it's done:
let's do it all imperfectly
-- miss ani
thanks to becca for the tip about the frames; to liz for the tip about the colors; and to rob for the emailed kiss on the cheek.
i'm okay, if you get me at a good angle
and you're okay, in the right sort of light
we don't look like pages from a magazine, but baby
that's all right; baby, that's all right ...
let's show 'em all how it's done:
let's do it all imperfectly
-- miss ani
Sunday, August 26, 2001
i wrote a whole thing before that blogger erased when it crashed. ah well. it was basically a paean to bjork, whose new album is coming out tuesday (right, ross?) i quoted "pluto":
excuse me
but i just have to
explode
explode this body
off me
wake-up tomorrow
brand new
a little tired
but brand new
i made some mention of my general uneasiness. tuesday is only days away. that's unsettling. lana's already at skool. so's becca. annie goes tomorrow. tamar and i go thereafter. liz and i spent the nite at donny's -- we hadn't seen her all summer. college has made her a little tougher, it seemed. more sarcastic? she's still a great person, someone i wish i saw more often. luckily ours is a friendship not contingent on contact.
my mom and i were reading personals ads this morning. it's frightening how depressing those are. one man's in the bottom corner of the magazine in red declared himself authoritative and wanted a petite, pretty, feminine woman. seriously. another was from a "mr. mom" w/ a kid looking for "a wife". the ad described him and the child, and for the goals of the relationship, he had "pregnancy" listed first. his kid needed a sibling. so why wasn't his kid placing an ad? or why doesn't he just adopt and get a maid?
another in the top left corner, boxed off so it looked important, was a divorced man, 56, looking for a woman between 37 and 44, white, rich, attractive, petite, feminine. fool: all the white rich attractive petite feminine women are married by 37. hell, they're married by 22.
all of them said attractive; most said finanically secure; all of them said white. one said "intelligent" but he was talking about himself. nearly all were divorced. i couldn't help but wonder where their wives were now. sipping daquiris in fiji, rolling their eyes under their gucci sunglasses at these pushy, shallow personals ads? hocking the china? or pawing thru a pocketbook on the aisle at safeway, and realizing there isn't enuf change?
sad.
my mother asked me how i'd describe myself in a personals ad. i laughed off the question. "dorothy parker seeks robert benchley," i said. "anyone who gets the reference would be all right w/ me."
saw six feet under last nite. amazing how real the actors look. writing cinematography &c. all quality. everything is two degrees from death in that show. everyone's job, everyone's significant other and preoccupation. they talk to ghosts. it's transfixing stuff. too bad the barn does not come equipped w/ hbo.
oh, and i redid the first of my poetry pages. if i get positive feedback on the design, i'll proceed w/ the others. check it out and let me know, would you?
excuse me
but i just have to
explode
explode this body
off me
wake-up tomorrow
brand new
a little tired
but brand new
i made some mention of my general uneasiness. tuesday is only days away. that's unsettling. lana's already at skool. so's becca. annie goes tomorrow. tamar and i go thereafter. liz and i spent the nite at donny's -- we hadn't seen her all summer. college has made her a little tougher, it seemed. more sarcastic? she's still a great person, someone i wish i saw more often. luckily ours is a friendship not contingent on contact.
my mom and i were reading personals ads this morning. it's frightening how depressing those are. one man's in the bottom corner of the magazine in red declared himself authoritative and wanted a petite, pretty, feminine woman. seriously. another was from a "mr. mom" w/ a kid looking for "a wife". the ad described him and the child, and for the goals of the relationship, he had "pregnancy" listed first. his kid needed a sibling. so why wasn't his kid placing an ad? or why doesn't he just adopt and get a maid?
another in the top left corner, boxed off so it looked important, was a divorced man, 56, looking for a woman between 37 and 44, white, rich, attractive, petite, feminine. fool: all the white rich attractive petite feminine women are married by 37. hell, they're married by 22.
all of them said attractive; most said finanically secure; all of them said white. one said "intelligent" but he was talking about himself. nearly all were divorced. i couldn't help but wonder where their wives were now. sipping daquiris in fiji, rolling their eyes under their gucci sunglasses at these pushy, shallow personals ads? hocking the china? or pawing thru a pocketbook on the aisle at safeway, and realizing there isn't enuf change?
sad.
my mother asked me how i'd describe myself in a personals ad. i laughed off the question. "dorothy parker seeks robert benchley," i said. "anyone who gets the reference would be all right w/ me."
saw six feet under last nite. amazing how real the actors look. writing cinematography &c. all quality. everything is two degrees from death in that show. everyone's job, everyone's significant other and preoccupation. they talk to ghosts. it's transfixing stuff. too bad the barn does not come equipped w/ hbo.
oh, and i redid the first of my poetry pages. if i get positive feedback on the design, i'll proceed w/ the others. check it out and let me know, would you?
Saturday, August 25, 2001
all right: top five modern filmmakers:
darren aronofsky
brothers coen
tom tykwer
guy ritchie
lars van trier
(altnerate: wong kar-wai)
i saw snatch last nite. i laughed at everything that was funny, amusing, ironic, or well-done, so by the end, my stomach hurt. who was it recently told me that i laugh too much at movies? i guess if you count m. van trier's films, i cry too much too. and flinch: during the fight scenes, i was reacting (like always) like i was being hit myself. liz told me she's never seen anyone so sensitive. damn straight: years ago, i used to have to leave the room during Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when the others made fun of rafael too viciously. i have a very clear memory of standing behind my family room's door, crying quietly, while my brothers cheered along w/ the tv inside.
yes, let's a have a moment of silence for that, shall we?
now when liz returns from running we're meeting lana and annie for brunch. she told me i talked in my sleep last nite. i was amazed -- that's a first. (the talking, not the amazement.) all i remember from my what i dreamt was that something was wrong w/ my website (god i'm a dork) and that i kept having to take refuge from the rain by ducking into strange places. in one of them, these people were cooing over me and wanted to polish my feet and i was begging them not to.
darren aronofsky
brothers coen
tom tykwer
guy ritchie
lars van trier
(altnerate: wong kar-wai)
i saw snatch last nite. i laughed at everything that was funny, amusing, ironic, or well-done, so by the end, my stomach hurt. who was it recently told me that i laugh too much at movies? i guess if you count m. van trier's films, i cry too much too. and flinch: during the fight scenes, i was reacting (like always) like i was being hit myself. liz told me she's never seen anyone so sensitive. damn straight: years ago, i used to have to leave the room during Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when the others made fun of rafael too viciously. i have a very clear memory of standing behind my family room's door, crying quietly, while my brothers cheered along w/ the tv inside.
yes, let's a have a moment of silence for that, shall we?
now when liz returns from running we're meeting lana and annie for brunch. she told me i talked in my sleep last nite. i was amazed -- that's a first. (the talking, not the amazement.) all i remember from my what i dreamt was that something was wrong w/ my website (god i'm a dork) and that i kept having to take refuge from the rain by ducking into strange places. in one of them, these people were cooing over me and wanted to polish my feet and i was begging them not to.
Friday, August 24, 2001
this is ridiculous. i have to take a shower, make lists of things to take to skool, make collages, make ilana's box, and all i'm doing is playing goddamn 3d pong. it reminds me a lot of jezzball which i got bored w/ eventually (*cough*a year*cough). i almost always have some computer game fixation. first semester it was Freecell. second, minesweeper (fastest expert time: under 100 seconds). my little brother masters those complicated death-by-gun games that involve blood and burly men grunting as you blast thru their chests. i don't have sufficient aggression. but these small, frustrating games engage my competitive spirit. or maybe just my propensity to procrastinate.
silly the things that make me happy. i'm sitting in sweatpants and a fir-green shirt i bought 2nd hand, chewing gum, listening to tori, pondering reggie's entry. and i'm perfectly happy. i got off the phone w/ tamar: we were reminiscing. william called my poetry "groovy". something could go wrong. i mean, come to think of it, i'm getting sick of the taste of nutrasweet -- and when i go thru too many pieces too quickly, i start flushing and that can't be good. i could get a headache. i could remember that i only have four days left to be the charming, easy person i am at home. reggie's entry hit the nail on the head (forgive the cliche). we don't have personality mirrors, tho we wish we could, or i do anyway. i was flipping thru girl, interrupted by miss kaysen (who went to [swat]becca's skool) and noted w/ interest how she had xeroxes of her therapists' diagnoses of her as she progressed.
i'd love that.
i mean, of course not the crazy part. but diagnoses, honest reads by objective folks. that'd be great.
question: should i fuss w/ javascript? is it worth it? i finally figured out how to do a drop-down menu; but should i? what say you?
i'd love that.
i mean, of course not the crazy part. but diagnoses, honest reads by objective folks. that'd be great.
question: should i fuss w/ javascript? is it worth it? i finally figured out how to do a drop-down menu; but should i? what say you?
Thursday, August 23, 2001
two sites i've found on my random circlings today are really worth mentioning: zalary.com (titled Catharsis? it's hard to tell), b/c she posted a lovely sylvia plath poem i'd never encountered before, and bouillabaisse for the soul, b/c he raised my eyebrows and made me laugh (the man put his IQ up on his About page!) anyway, it seems like original content.
i find a lot of these, bookmark about half, and return, continually interested, only to a few. it's hard trying to compile a good set of links. it's also mildly disheartening coming across people whose designs are so much more sophisticated and whose fanbases are so established. some folks write two lines and get nine comments, just like that. but i shouldn't complain: it's moving, however slowly.
almost all of today was spent sitting on the linoleum next to my grandmother's bed, holding her hand like it was a vase. i've never seen her so thin -- she must have lost thirty pounds this summer and she never had much spare flesh on her; she's too thrifty for that -- but i tried not to let the dismay show. her face, unlike the rest of her, reassuringly looks mostly normal. i imagine that's a good sign.
we entertained her, bought her sherbert and bananas, conversed. i made a joke about bringing her harry potter b/c she was too weak to read the john adam's hardback she was in the middle of. somehow it ended up getting taken seriously and my father brought the thing along w/ him when he arrived. hey, whatever. as i told her, if she likes it, she can see the movie in november.
at quarter to five, i left to go to the dentists. like all college students, i had to do my lastminute checkup before heading off to skool. unlike most, i think, i'm lucky enuf to not have any problem w/ my wisdom teeth. i was petrified he'd tell me they needed to come out -- i've spent the last year teething, sometimes painfully -- but he said if i'm content w/ them, he'll leave 'em where jesus flung 'em. content, hell -- i'm ecstatic. this year, even if they were occasionally a nuisance, they did some good: they inspired a poem or two. i wrote this first semester when i was melodramatic over boy #1: fifth column
it was published in, uh, one of those silly lit mags i write for ... damn, now i've forgotten which. i think small craft warnings.
ooh, ben just called. and laughed at me for saying i was posting. and derailed my train of thought. blame him.
i find a lot of these, bookmark about half, and return, continually interested, only to a few. it's hard trying to compile a good set of links. it's also mildly disheartening coming across people whose designs are so much more sophisticated and whose fanbases are so established. some folks write two lines and get nine comments, just like that. but i shouldn't complain: it's moving, however slowly.
almost all of today was spent sitting on the linoleum next to my grandmother's bed, holding her hand like it was a vase. i've never seen her so thin -- she must have lost thirty pounds this summer and she never had much spare flesh on her; she's too thrifty for that -- but i tried not to let the dismay show. her face, unlike the rest of her, reassuringly looks mostly normal. i imagine that's a good sign.
we entertained her, bought her sherbert and bananas, conversed. i made a joke about bringing her harry potter b/c she was too weak to read the john adam's hardback she was in the middle of. somehow it ended up getting taken seriously and my father brought the thing along w/ him when he arrived. hey, whatever. as i told her, if she likes it, she can see the movie in november.
at quarter to five, i left to go to the dentists. like all college students, i had to do my lastminute checkup before heading off to skool. unlike most, i think, i'm lucky enuf to not have any problem w/ my wisdom teeth. i was petrified he'd tell me they needed to come out -- i've spent the last year teething, sometimes painfully -- but he said if i'm content w/ them, he'll leave 'em where jesus flung 'em. content, hell -- i'm ecstatic. this year, even if they were occasionally a nuisance, they did some good: they inspired a poem or two. i wrote this first semester when i was melodramatic over boy #1: fifth column
I�m growing a new tooth:
I feel it thrusting like a tulip through hard,
February earth: even
when I try to dwell on other things, my tongue
meanders back: you distract me: dark,
intense, and out of place: you are
throwing the rest of me out of sync:
black tulip white tooth, only a surgeon
could remove, stubborn
in the shadowy corner of my mouth:
you frighten me: you feel
less alien to my prodding tongue
every day: you are thriving
even in this crimson, hostile land: I wonder
at a surgeon�s hand
which of us when pulled
will yield. (fall 2000)
it was published in, uh, one of those silly lit mags i write for ... damn, now i've forgotten which. i think small craft warnings.
ooh, ben just called. and laughed at me for saying i was posting. and derailed my train of thought. blame him.
i dreamt last nite that i was living in a barn-type arrangement (a series of rooms) w/ my parents; ilana and ellen, from swat, who shared a room; ben; and mariah. for some reason, ilana and ellen and mariah were always fighting and i was trying to mediate; and ben was always off by himself. i remember thinking he was taking me for granted and getting upset.
at some point, i went into his room and we lay down together and everything righted itself. i was so relieved the only thing i could do was breathe.
then my mom came in and got upset b/c i was wearing a shirt that said "i love cock" in pictures, like the shirt that townie was wearing at falconridge. i turned to ilana, who had also come in, and said, "at least i'm not wearing the fuzzy strawberry shirt."
my grandmother's in the hospital. it's not terribly serious; they suspect legionnaires disease. we're going to visit her in a minute. i have to get dressed. i hope she's all right: the woman is 88 and strong, capable, independent. she had my grandfather by her side all morning as they tried to get her into a bed. they've been married over 60 years. it's incredible. they keep each other in shape, they take turns taking care of each other. my family is lucky enuf to live really close to them in d.c. so we see them every week.
babbling. sorry. time to hop down to GW again.
why am i the only one who likes female poetry?
at some point, i went into his room and we lay down together and everything righted itself. i was so relieved the only thing i could do was breathe.
then my mom came in and got upset b/c i was wearing a shirt that said "i love cock" in pictures, like the shirt that townie was wearing at falconridge. i turned to ilana, who had also come in, and said, "at least i'm not wearing the fuzzy strawberry shirt."
my grandmother's in the hospital. it's not terribly serious; they suspect legionnaires disease. we're going to visit her in a minute. i have to get dressed. i hope she's all right: the woman is 88 and strong, capable, independent. she had my grandfather by her side all morning as they tried to get her into a bed. they've been married over 60 years. it's incredible. they keep each other in shape, they take turns taking care of each other. my family is lucky enuf to live really close to them in d.c. so we see them every week.
babbling. sorry. time to hop down to GW again.
why am i the only one who likes female poetry?
Wednesday, August 22, 2001
the best things, i've just realized, are done w/ your hands. typing, turning pages, twirling your hair, touching people -- hmm, those all begin w/ "T". a coincidence, i swear. the best foods are what're eaten w/ your hands too: dry cereal, muffins, carrots ... casual food, stuff you can lick off if necessary.
these are the conclusions an afternoon in front of a computer leads one to. :-) august is a slow month.
i've also been looking at kat's quote page. it's an astoundingly comprehensive list. another that i've always liked is melanie's.
on the subject of quotes, one from last nite: "you only name things that are going to die" -- liz. ponder that.
these are the conclusions an afternoon in front of a computer leads one to. :-) august is a slow month.
i've also been looking at kat's quote page. it's an astoundingly comprehensive list. another that i've always liked is melanie's.
on the subject of quotes, one from last nite: "you only name things that are going to die" -- liz. ponder that.
this is the funniest thing i've seen today: discussion w/ a magic eight ball. his comment of yesterday was as controversial as that is amusing. he mentioned how he didn't like women writers, which i would take offense to except that he declared web-friendly females exempt. okay, maybe i could take offense anyway, but i don't know even know him and it's not as if he's read my poetry specifically and rolled his eyes. i asked what his problem is -- is it that he can't relate? that's always what i assume it is. i feel like most people who say they don't like a general thing, like women's writing or scandinavian film or the internet (hi annie :-)), simply have problems identifying for one reason or another. often all they need is exposure to something that doesn't fit their stereotype and their minds expand like so much baked dough.
yanni's piano recital is tomorrow, not today. fine. liz leant me survivor by chuck palahniuk (sp?) and now that i'm done w/ tom jones, i have space in my bag for it.
there's a meme for you: if you carry a bag around most of the time, what's in it?
mine: a black cvs notebook and a mechanical pencil; a green 40-year-old's wallet that once belonged ot my mother and a ballpoint pen; a soft-blue change purse, which was a gift from ari last year; survivor; my cellphone; two hair things; about 40,000 Trident wrappers; 40,000 movie ticket stubs; and 40,000 receipts. characteristic? you be the judge.
yanni's piano recital is tomorrow, not today. fine. liz leant me survivor by chuck palahniuk (sp?) and now that i'm done w/ tom jones, i have space in my bag for it.
there's a meme for you: if you carry a bag around most of the time, what's in it?
mine: a black cvs notebook and a mechanical pencil; a green 40-year-old's wallet that once belonged ot my mother and a ballpoint pen; a soft-blue change purse, which was a gift from ari last year; survivor; my cellphone; two hair things; about 40,000 Trident wrappers; 40,000 movie ticket stubs; and 40,000 receipts. characteristic? you be the judge.
i haven't internetted from the downstairs computer in ages. it's strange: very nostalgic. i had a number of early michael conversations here and emails w/ becca. anyway.
my father and i just returned from lunch at green papaya, a new vietnamese restaurant in bethesda. we played the word game on the paper covering the tablecloth and i won w/ 76 points. i can't remember the last time i got 76. i beamed into my tofu.
tofu! yet another food i didn't use to like.
after that, we got my mother, whose birthday it is, a cake (it is also miz parker's -- yet could there be two more different people in the world? i ask you.) it's as beautiful a day as we get in d.c. in august and i'm just so goshdarn cheerful about it all. last nite, jamie tamar lana liz and i gathered at lana's to drink tea, light candles, and sit in a circle, chatting. oh it was wonderful. why? who knows? sometimes the stars are just aligned.
speaking of celestial bodies, i heard yesterday that when i arrive in sweden, there will be only about eight hours of sunlight per day. the good news is that it will increase as i'm there. but the question remains whether i'll be strong/stable enuf to deal w/ cold weather, no sunshine, and all that foreign-ness. ... yuck.
whatever. i'll talk to m. piker when i get back to skool. there's no point worrying about it yet. i'm in too good a mood and i have to get to yanni's to listen to him play piano.
my father and i just returned from lunch at green papaya, a new vietnamese restaurant in bethesda. we played the word game on the paper covering the tablecloth and i won w/ 76 points. i can't remember the last time i got 76. i beamed into my tofu.
tofu! yet another food i didn't use to like.
after that, we got my mother, whose birthday it is, a cake (it is also miz parker's -- yet could there be two more different people in the world? i ask you.) it's as beautiful a day as we get in d.c. in august and i'm just so goshdarn cheerful about it all. last nite, jamie tamar lana liz and i gathered at lana's to drink tea, light candles, and sit in a circle, chatting. oh it was wonderful. why? who knows? sometimes the stars are just aligned.
speaking of celestial bodies, i heard yesterday that when i arrive in sweden, there will be only about eight hours of sunlight per day. the good news is that it will increase as i'm there. but the question remains whether i'll be strong/stable enuf to deal w/ cold weather, no sunshine, and all that foreign-ness. ... yuck.
whatever. i'll talk to m. piker when i get back to skool. there's no point worrying about it yet. i'm in too good a mood and i have to get to yanni's to listen to him play piano.
Monday, August 20, 2001
banana nut muffins. yet another food i only recently discovered i like. also, butter pecan yogurt which i tried when lana, my dad and i were doing our one day, full blast, 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. automobile tour of n. carolina. our ostensible destination was this cute small town where my greatgrandfather once lived and ran a store. he chose well: of all the places we passed thru and stopped, that was the prettiest and seemed the most live-able. one corner boasted that it was the birthplace of pepsi-cola, which i don't drink but do have stock in. (the stock market's a funny thing. my mom's father basically plays for the whole family: he buys us shares as well as himself. every once in a while, he'll present me two hundred shares of some company i've never heard of ["sun microsystems? what do they do?"]. but he chooses well. except for the one time, like thirty years ago, when someone proposed that he buy jointly w/ them the land next to a bourgeoning theme park in orlando. "disneyworld?" he said. "ridiculous. that'll never get off the ground.")
uch -- family fighting downstairs. in nine days i'll be back at skool. ben laughed at me today for being nervous. yes, finally, after three (?) days of unsuccessful attempts to get in touch, he called on the cell phone as i was heading home from tamar's. i missed the initial call but pulled onto a sidestreet, parked, called him back, and sat in the grass by my car for the next hour or so. attracted some strange stares and some run-of-the-mill honkings. it was worth it.
tonite liz and annie (who're home, altho i haven't been able to get in touch w/ them yet) are going w/ lana and me to see annie hall at the NIH film festival. i think tomorrow is willy wonka, which makes me think of (swat)becca. her time is winding down in hong kong -- maybe she's even done. she's heading to the barn on the 27th; ross is getting back around then. gaaa, the future approaches. i should march to meet it, proudly and in anticipation of adventure! i hate exclamation points but the word "adventure!" seems to demand one.
oh, speaking of adventures, adam dad and i saw apocalypse now redux yesterday. for some reason, i liked it better than any time i'd seen it previously. i'm not sure why: i don't think the additional footage contributed greatly to the narrative or to the viewer's understanding of the film. the french plantation sequence was pretty awful. it might be that i've become acutely aware of how important sound is since a.i. aronofsky is a master (maestro?) at using sound to maximum effect -- his work resonates partially b/c of its score -- and a. now is similarly breathtaking.
my brother and my father of course had to fight on the way home about what the movie means. i'm not convinced that it means anything. war is crazy; people when pushed can do crazy things; sanity is subjective; paganism is tempting; wagner makes your heart leap up and applaud in your throat. what else? why am i/ are people so enthralled?
uch -- family fighting downstairs. in nine days i'll be back at skool. ben laughed at me today for being nervous. yes, finally, after three (?) days of unsuccessful attempts to get in touch, he called on the cell phone as i was heading home from tamar's. i missed the initial call but pulled onto a sidestreet, parked, called him back, and sat in the grass by my car for the next hour or so. attracted some strange stares and some run-of-the-mill honkings. it was worth it.
tonite liz and annie (who're home, altho i haven't been able to get in touch w/ them yet) are going w/ lana and me to see annie hall at the NIH film festival. i think tomorrow is willy wonka, which makes me think of (swat)becca. her time is winding down in hong kong -- maybe she's even done. she's heading to the barn on the 27th; ross is getting back around then. gaaa, the future approaches. i should march to meet it, proudly and in anticipation of adventure! i hate exclamation points but the word "adventure!" seems to demand one.
oh, speaking of adventures, adam dad and i saw apocalypse now redux yesterday. for some reason, i liked it better than any time i'd seen it previously. i'm not sure why: i don't think the additional footage contributed greatly to the narrative or to the viewer's understanding of the film. the french plantation sequence was pretty awful. it might be that i've become acutely aware of how important sound is since a.i. aronofsky is a master (maestro?) at using sound to maximum effect -- his work resonates partially b/c of its score -- and a. now is similarly breathtaking.
my brother and my father of course had to fight on the way home about what the movie means. i'm not convinced that it means anything. war is crazy; people when pushed can do crazy things; sanity is subjective; paganism is tempting; wagner makes your heart leap up and applaud in your throat. what else? why am i/ are people so enthralled?
Sunday, August 19, 2001
Saturday, August 18, 2001
once it was searching colleges; now cities. here're what findyourspot.com says are the best places for me to live. the list favors connecticut, oregon, and, oddly enuf, maryland. interesting. some of these cities i've never even heard of.
present discussion w/ tamar: what does it mean to be a liberal intellectual? am i more liberal than she is? i used to dislike the word -- i think mostly b/c my father did. certainly i aspire to be an intellectual; i don't know if i qualify yet. to me it's high praise. just liking books, music, arts stuff does not an intellectual make; nor does being able to mangle quotes.
(me) ishtar42: what is an intellectual anyway?
(tamar) tamari2: i don't kow
tamari2: know rather
tamari2: someone who enjoys their intelligence, to the point where sporting it is one of their hobbies
ishtar42: but that sounds so pretentious
tamari2: not sporting then -- exercising.
ishtar42: i still think that sounds pretentious.
*shrug* the discussion continues ... meanwhile, more interesting dialogue over at rabi's.
present discussion w/ tamar: what does it mean to be a liberal intellectual? am i more liberal than she is? i used to dislike the word -- i think mostly b/c my father did. certainly i aspire to be an intellectual; i don't know if i qualify yet. to me it's high praise. just liking books, music, arts stuff does not an intellectual make; nor does being able to mangle quotes.
(me) ishtar42: what is an intellectual anyway?
(tamar) tamari2: i don't kow
tamari2: know rather
tamari2: someone who enjoys their intelligence, to the point where sporting it is one of their hobbies
ishtar42: but that sounds so pretentious
tamari2: not sporting then -- exercising.
ishtar42: i still think that sounds pretentious.
*shrug* the discussion continues ... meanwhile, more interesting dialogue over at rabi's.
ohhhhh wonderful wonderful computer ... i could kiss you, i could, if you weren't so primly unresponsive.
music: "mr. right now" from the nields. good to listen to stuff i don't have on cd, just from now-defunct napster (you have to update? what the hell? i assume it's part of the grand scheme to eventually deprive us of all our music. ah well. you were good while you had the opportunity to be, napster.)
i'm distracted. surely there are things to say, they're just escaping me at present. ben and i have been playing phone tag since early yesterday, which was six-months-of-what day. that priceless phrase was coined by miss lana and it made me think. what an odd relationship it's been: the first three months we were together, and then an equal amount of time we were across the country from each other. hands down, the separation was more difficult. do all bunnies find it so? since june, i have:
developed an antipathy to telephones;
visited CA for the first time;
missed someone -- really missed them;
loved reciprocally;
and dealt w/ the opposite, an emotional vaccuum that scared me until i remembered the horror of prolonged wednesdays.
it's been eye-opening. six months of what indeed.
beach was lovely. our good luck w/ the weather lasted, as did miss lana's and my psychic connection. our emotions/desires continued to coincide: when we wanted to beach, we beached; when we wanted to porch, we porched (i got much excellent reading done: in america by sontag blew me away, and i'm three-quarters done w/ tom jones.) towards the end, family relations got a little strained and everyone's patience w/ joanna was pretty much smoke and ashes. lana handled it all admirably, never once losing her cool, for which i'm grateful.
i'm so lucky to have this group of friends ... i returned home to a letter from becca that made me say "aww" outloud and repeatedly. lana and i parted over sweet words. and i made a full list of other similar type occurrances but blogger just erased it all. luckily i had saved everything up to that last line so not too much disappeared. i don't feel like going thru it again; suffice it to say, the gods are indulgent and i appreciate it.
i'm scared to return to swat. i'm always scared to leave wherever i am. damn i'm a wuss. it'll be fine. of course it will.
as to net fellows: dacicle let me know i'm missed, and kat wrote heart-fluttery things about me on her site and in my book. i wonder what will change over the fall. not that there's any point in wondering. all right: i wish then for this fall to be as interesting and enjoyable in unexpected ways as this summer was. is. it's not over yet.
music: "mr. right now" from the nields. good to listen to stuff i don't have on cd, just from now-defunct napster (you have to update? what the hell? i assume it's part of the grand scheme to eventually deprive us of all our music. ah well. you were good while you had the opportunity to be, napster.)
i'm distracted. surely there are things to say, they're just escaping me at present. ben and i have been playing phone tag since early yesterday, which was six-months-of-what day. that priceless phrase was coined by miss lana and it made me think. what an odd relationship it's been: the first three months we were together, and then an equal amount of time we were across the country from each other. hands down, the separation was more difficult. do all bunnies find it so? since june, i have:
developed an antipathy to telephones;
visited CA for the first time;
missed someone -- really missed them;
loved reciprocally;
and dealt w/ the opposite, an emotional vaccuum that scared me until i remembered the horror of prolonged wednesdays.
it's been eye-opening. six months of what indeed.
beach was lovely. our good luck w/ the weather lasted, as did miss lana's and my psychic connection. our emotions/desires continued to coincide: when we wanted to beach, we beached; when we wanted to porch, we porched (i got much excellent reading done: in america by sontag blew me away, and i'm three-quarters done w/ tom jones.) towards the end, family relations got a little strained and everyone's patience w/ joanna was pretty much smoke and ashes. lana handled it all admirably, never once losing her cool, for which i'm grateful.
i'm so lucky to have this group of friends ... i returned home to a letter from becca that made me say "aww" outloud and repeatedly. lana and i parted over sweet words. and i made a full list of other similar type occurrances but blogger just erased it all. luckily i had saved everything up to that last line so not too much disappeared. i don't feel like going thru it again; suffice it to say, the gods are indulgent and i appreciate it.
i'm scared to return to swat. i'm always scared to leave wherever i am. damn i'm a wuss. it'll be fine. of course it will.
as to net fellows: dacicle let me know i'm missed, and kat wrote heart-fluttery things about me on her site and in my book. i wonder what will change over the fall. not that there's any point in wondering. all right: i wish then for this fall to be as interesting and enjoyable in unexpected ways as this summer was. is. it's not over yet.
Tuesday, August 14, 2001
i only have a few minutes -- naturally, in a hurry, i'm drawing a blank. ilana and i are in the tiny rectangular room that serves as the library here. as far as i can tell, they have childrens books, a few magazines, and Grey's anatomy. clearly, the essentials.
but they also have two computers which you can use for thirty minutes and i'm grateful. last nite i fell into a mild funk for the first time. when my mother asked me why, i said maybe i was in withdrawal. aside from that negligible dip and the spots of sunburn in rather uncomfortable places (one rarely thinks of putting lotion where one assumes the sun's hands would be too respectful to roam) i'm having a wonderful time. if my intuition can be relied upon, ilana is as well. adam has four friends here who i think irk her by talking to me -- but then, they know me, if only as the little sibling they've tormented in the past. mel and joanna are here as well. they're family friends: mel is my dad's age and joanna is adam's. she and ilana are like polar opposites which at least one of them (guess which!) realizes. the craziness just keeps things interesting. the boys left to go fishing this morning. ilana and i decided to go driving. everyone so far has been doing their own thing and not getting in anyone else's way.
there isn't too much else to report. we've gotten a lot of sun, ingested a lot of salt water, hottubbed, eaten rugalach, missed our dearly beloveds from whom we're removed, and watched movies. what else could you ask of a vacation?
last note: i dreamt last nite about my berkeley-bound boy. it was a dream-that-knew-it-was-a-dream: he came to visit at the beginning and hugged me goodbye at the end. but i nearly woke up in tears. (hi, bunny, if you're reading this. i'll give a call back at thouse.)
to the rest of you: adios, and i'll see you soon. make sure you return in one piece.
but they also have two computers which you can use for thirty minutes and i'm grateful. last nite i fell into a mild funk for the first time. when my mother asked me why, i said maybe i was in withdrawal. aside from that negligible dip and the spots of sunburn in rather uncomfortable places (one rarely thinks of putting lotion where one assumes the sun's hands would be too respectful to roam) i'm having a wonderful time. if my intuition can be relied upon, ilana is as well. adam has four friends here who i think irk her by talking to me -- but then, they know me, if only as the little sibling they've tormented in the past. mel and joanna are here as well. they're family friends: mel is my dad's age and joanna is adam's. she and ilana are like polar opposites which at least one of them (guess which!) realizes. the craziness just keeps things interesting. the boys left to go fishing this morning. ilana and i decided to go driving. everyone so far has been doing their own thing and not getting in anyone else's way.
there isn't too much else to report. we've gotten a lot of sun, ingested a lot of salt water, hottubbed, eaten rugalach, missed our dearly beloveds from whom we're removed, and watched movies. what else could you ask of a vacation?
last note: i dreamt last nite about my berkeley-bound boy. it was a dream-that-knew-it-was-a-dream: he came to visit at the beginning and hugged me goodbye at the end. but i nearly woke up in tears. (hi, bunny, if you're reading this. i'll give a call back at thouse.)
to the rest of you: adios, and i'll see you soon. make sure you return in one piece.
Saturday, August 11, 2001
music: swinger's soundtrack. would make me want to get up and dance, if only i knew how. alcohol is a great tutor but that's more a party-at-skool thing than an at-home-at-midnite-wearing-pajamas-w/-a-little-black-bow thing. i have to be content to just type in sync w/ the beat.
oh man i'm going to miss blogging over the next week. i feel like i've spent half my waking hours online since i stopped working for martha. it's addictive: creating, maintaining, promoting, searching, reading, commenting. *phew* but it's rewarding. i always wanted a virtual community. a few years ago, i tried to get into the message boards at ew.com. it didn't work so well b/c all they wanted to talk about over there was how hot leonardo dicaprio was. these were 40-ish housewives and i just couldn't compete.
becca will remember this: i met a guy on the boards who i got really excited about. well, "met" is an exaggeration: researched and exchanged a few comments w/ would be more accurate. still we seemed so similar. that was a warning. i should have known that after that, it was only a matter of time til i actually got into a significant entanglement w/ an internet boy. remind me to tell that story at some point ... (or hey, michael, if you're reading this, feel free to tell the story from yr p.o.v.) here's a taste. there's much more to it than that.
anyway, for the loyal 5 of you for whom the loss of notebook for a week is tragedy just short of bush-presidency proportions, here is a list of links to occupy you in the interim. these are sites i've come across recently that i found interesting, engaging, entertaining, or worthy of a glance:
of course there are also all the links to the left.
so if i don't get to talk to all of y'all while i'm in n. carolina, enjoy yr week. feel free to sign the book, email, comment. let me know i'm missed.
oh man i'm going to miss blogging over the next week. i feel like i've spent half my waking hours online since i stopped working for martha. it's addictive: creating, maintaining, promoting, searching, reading, commenting. *phew* but it's rewarding. i always wanted a virtual community. a few years ago, i tried to get into the message boards at ew.com. it didn't work so well b/c all they wanted to talk about over there was how hot leonardo dicaprio was. these were 40-ish housewives and i just couldn't compete.
becca will remember this: i met a guy on the boards who i got really excited about. well, "met" is an exaggeration: researched and exchanged a few comments w/ would be more accurate. still we seemed so similar. that was a warning. i should have known that after that, it was only a matter of time til i actually got into a significant entanglement w/ an internet boy. remind me to tell that story at some point ... (or hey, michael, if you're reading this, feel free to tell the story from yr p.o.v.) here's a taste. there's much more to it than that.
anyway, for the loyal 5 of you for whom the loss of notebook for a week is tragedy just short of bush-presidency proportions, here is a list of links to occupy you in the interim. these are sites i've come across recently that i found interesting, engaging, entertaining, or worthy of a glance:
of course there are also all the links to the left.
so if i don't get to talk to all of y'all while i'm in n. carolina, enjoy yr week. feel free to sign the book, email, comment. let me know i'm missed.
Friday, August 10, 2001
what fresh hell is this? -- dorothy parker. absolutely right, reggie, thanks. i can't believe i forgot that.
my house is an absolute mess right now. electrical failures (downstairs computer, fax machine) compounded by leaving-tomorrow stress, constant phone calls, blown tires (poor becca), dinner preparations, dog vomit, torrential rain; all soothed of course by chai. well, for me, anyway.
what is it w/ august?
oh, and this is a riot: dacicle linked to me, which is flattering, and declared me a boy, which is less so. to clear up all confusion: ester = female (altho not according to the spark). look, i swear: here i am:
my house is an absolute mess right now. electrical failures (downstairs computer, fax machine) compounded by leaving-tomorrow stress, constant phone calls, blown tires (poor becca), dinner preparations, dog vomit, torrential rain; all soothed of course by chai. well, for me, anyway.
what is it w/ august?
oh, and this is a riot: dacicle linked to me, which is flattering, and declared me a boy, which is less so. to clear up all confusion: ester = female (altho not according to the spark). look, i swear: here i am:
i don't know who i am but you know life is for learning ... why is that one of the most beautiful songs ever written? don't worry about answering; it's a rhetorical question.
so tomorrow morning, to north carolina until the 18th. miss lana comes w/, as do (get ready for this) 4 of adam's friends, our family friend mel and his daughter joanna. that makes 12 of us in a house for 6. i guess someone can sleep in the hottub.
it's supposed to rain the whole time too. oh man is this going to be insane. i'm bringing lots of books and a good pair of earphones. that should do it. ilana's chill (lana and chill in fact are synonymous) and she and i should be low-maintainance. it's everyone else i'm worried about. ah well. what would i be w/o worry?
meme (from wockerjabby):
three things i see:
three things i hear:
three things i feel:
so tomorrow morning, to north carolina until the 18th. miss lana comes w/, as do (get ready for this) 4 of adam's friends, our family friend mel and his daughter joanna. that makes 12 of us in a house for 6. i guess someone can sleep in the hottub.
it's supposed to rain the whole time too. oh man is this going to be insane. i'm bringing lots of books and a good pair of earphones. that should do it. ilana's chill (lana and chill in fact are synonymous) and she and i should be low-maintainance. it's everyone else i'm worried about. ah well. what would i be w/o worry?
meme (from wockerjabby):
three things i see:
- little plastic box of thumbtacks overflowing w/ two strings of jolly's mardi gras beads and a bracelet i bought during my summer in nyc a couple years ago
- my smartwhore button and the gore/leiberman button i was trying to affix it to
- ten women who shook the world -- a book we had to read for fiction that i now use a mousepad
three things i hear:
- adam watching lock stock and two smoking barrels in his room
- "the circle game" -- joni's just wrapping it up
- the rain getting more and more passionate outside
three things i feel:
- the bottom of my jeans which got wet from walking thru puddles in georgetown earlier
- the carpet under my bare feet (i hate wearing shoes indoors)
- a little apprehensive about this n.c. trip
Thursday, August 09, 2001
another survey, this one courtesy of pandora's boxers: In the last week have you...
Cried? yeah, from that ny times article
Helped someone? hopefully
Bought something? today: diet coke, diet pepsi, columbo frozen yogurt, and a spinach knish
Not known the answer in class? i don't make a policy of that :-)
Dissected something? not literally
Cut your hair? no, but i tear it out all the time. trichotilomania.
Worn a skirt? yes. well, two slips, actually.
Worn a tie? uh, no
Been mean? *sigh* probably, but i didn't intend to be
Been sarcastic? *scornfully* sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.
Been horney? who on earth spells "horney" w/ an "e"? sheesh.
Sung? today in fact, walking down the street. if you're going to get looks anyway, you may as well do something to deserve them
Gone for a run? no --> see #1
Gone for a walk? of course
Gone to the movies? tomorrow: apocalypse now redux. the new yorker went crazy about it; i hope it lives up to the hype
Gone out to eat? sushi yesterday
Felt stupid? being w/ johnny reminds me that i'm not as smart as he is
Said "I love you"? yes
Written a real letter? what, like "A"?
Written a paper? does a rant count?
Taken a test? personality test: i'm a journalist (idealist something or other. it means i'm paranoid.)
Met someone new? not really
Written in a journal? adam: you keep a diary? me: i call it a notebook. adam: so you take notes on what happens during the day. ... sounds like a diary.
Watched your favorite movie? no, but i did see some good ones
Given someone a present? only the gift of my company
Had a serious talk? ha. of course.
Hugged someone? virtually hugged jamie; was hugged by my writing teacher as i left class ("keep writing"); kissed ilana's shoulder
Had a nightmare? no
Fought with your parents? no, thank god
Fought with a friend? not really fought; disagreed ... got on one's nerves ...
Done something Crazy? crazy w/ a capital "c"? nope
Taken a shower? yes. not that it's done much good -- this weather seems to delight in ruining my hair. my picture today for my passport was nearly turned the developer to stone.
three cheers for ross who is starting a blog of his own. he's one of the barnies and a good friend from year 1 at swat. among other things, he is passionate about music and it is b/c of him that i have half my monster mp3 collection, my bob dylan cds, a couple jonis, elliott smith, and various random others. check him out. he's one of the most unique folks i now.
Cried? yeah, from that ny times article
Helped someone? hopefully
Bought something? today: diet coke, diet pepsi, columbo frozen yogurt, and a spinach knish
Not known the answer in class? i don't make a policy of that :-)
Dissected something? not literally
Cut your hair? no, but i tear it out all the time. trichotilomania.
Worn a skirt? yes. well, two slips, actually.
Worn a tie? uh, no
Been mean? *sigh* probably, but i didn't intend to be
Been sarcastic? *scornfully* sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.
Been horney? who on earth spells "horney" w/ an "e"? sheesh.
Sung? today in fact, walking down the street. if you're going to get looks anyway, you may as well do something to deserve them
Gone for a run? no --> see #1
Gone for a walk? of course
Gone to the movies? tomorrow: apocalypse now redux. the new yorker went crazy about it; i hope it lives up to the hype
Gone out to eat? sushi yesterday
Felt stupid? being w/ johnny reminds me that i'm not as smart as he is
Said "I love you"? yes
Written a real letter? what, like "A"?
Written a paper? does a rant count?
Taken a test? personality test: i'm a journalist (idealist something or other. it means i'm paranoid.)
Met someone new? not really
Written in a journal? adam: you keep a diary? me: i call it a notebook. adam: so you take notes on what happens during the day. ... sounds like a diary.
Watched your favorite movie? no, but i did see some good ones
Given someone a present? only the gift of my company
Had a serious talk? ha. of course.
Hugged someone? virtually hugged jamie; was hugged by my writing teacher as i left class ("keep writing"); kissed ilana's shoulder
Had a nightmare? no
Fought with your parents? no, thank god
Fought with a friend? not really fought; disagreed ... got on one's nerves ...
Done something Crazy? crazy w/ a capital "c"? nope
Taken a shower? yes. not that it's done much good -- this weather seems to delight in ruining my hair. my picture today for my passport was nearly turned the developer to stone.
three cheers for ross who is starting a blog of his own. he's one of the barnies and a good friend from year 1 at swat. among other things, he is passionate about music and it is b/c of him that i have half my monster mp3 collection, my bob dylan cds, a couple jonis, elliott smith, and various random others. check him out. he's one of the most unique folks i now.
ahhh resolution. for most of today, i was a sun-frazzled victim of august. my site refused to show up; my brother adam and my father had a loud over-dramatized argument about israel -- a friend of adam's is determined to study abroad there. my father declared that commendable while adam decried it as foolish self-aggrandizement. as they were getting nowhere except into ad hominem attacks, i ushered adam out the door. we had to get our passports renewed. what should have been simple took forever: in the midst of correcting the first flawed set of prints, the person helping us left the store. "where'd he go?" we asked the lady behind the counter after he didn't return. "oh, he went to buy a magazine," she said. another employee eventually finished up the job. we went from there to the post office to fill out forms, and then, relieved, walked back to the corner of wisconsin avenue where we'd parked. for a moment or two, we just watched the traffic whoosh by.
"isn't this where we parked?" said adam. "uh-huh," i said. ... "shit. shit shit shit."
we hiked down to the police station, got the address of the place where our car had been towed, hiked there, paid the $75 fine and pocketed the additional $35 ticket. it would have been funny, at least in a life's-a-bitch kind of way, except that it was over 100 degrees outside and adam and i, by the time we were done w/ the whole mess, were like melted canvases. he dropped me off back in the heart of bethesda where ilana, laboring as always in the seed, gave me water and a fan and restored my equilibrium. my writing class assignment was to write a rant and an opinion on the same subject; i hadn't done either, so after i cooled off, i delved into the topic of beauty. creating the rant was so much fun that i never got to the opinion. it didn't matter ultimately: we didn't even discuss them in class. once i polish it a little, i'll post it here.
so i'm a journalist, otherwise known as a vigilant idealist. *shrug* i don't know. maybe a little.
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what is going on w/ this page?
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