sarcasm is the lowest form of humor, except for all the others
Friday, August 13, 2010
How to Offend Midwesterners in 3 Easy Steps
First, accidentally insult their taste in literature, like so:
SETTING: Airport bookstore.
PERSONAE: Two middle-aged blonde ladies, nicely blow-dried and made-up, browsing the mass-market paperbacks, and me, a compulsive know-it-all.
LADY 1: Is this any good? [holds up Girl with the Dragon Tattoo] LADY 2: Oh, I don't know! I was wondering that too! ME: Yes! It's great. I read all of them. They're good! And I don't even usually read that stuff! [PAUSE] LADY 1: Oh! ... What do you read?
Next, get really flustered, look blank, and when you finally begin speaking again, use the lord's name in vain.
ME [flailing pathetically]: Oh! ... God, everything ... books ...
Finally, exacerbate the problem by continuing to babble and then running away.
ME: I'm sorry, that sounded so snobby! I didn't mean -- uh -- I mean -- bye!
Otherwise, my first visit to the hot, beating heart of America, St. Louis, MO, went smoothly. Except for the fact that, five minutes into the first big group meeting, I dropped a pretzel down my shirt and couldn't find it. I didn't want to be caught staring into my own cleavage, but come on! A chunk of wheaty goodness covered in salt doesn't just disappear.
Being that it was 100 degrees out there in flyover country, I had to worry what kind of radioactive effect my bosom would have on that pretzel -- would it turn into Spider Man? or the delicious mutant equivalent? Worse, would it decide to stage a re-entrance by falling out of my clothes at an inopportune moment?
Even went I ducked into a bathroom to fiddle around with my bra, I couldn't find the offender, so I had to give up and live in fear. Luckily, the pretzel and I both emerged unscathed from the experience: it showed up later, looking all innocent, on my hotel room floor, and I managed to give away every business card I'd brought with me without being overtaken by a monstrous sweaty monster bursting out of my shirt. Win-win!