A beautiful mind

It's sad to me that not only did this White House not nominate a woman to fill Sandra Day's seat, but it decided to nominate an anti-woman man. Sure, he's married to a feminist now, so Phillis Schlaffley, to name one notable perturbed by the recent relevations about the future justice, is mollified. Sure, he wrote some of his most objectionable opinions while still in school. I've said some pretty stupid things myself while in school and I wouldn't want them held against me. But at this point I won't feel comfortable -- and more importantly, I wouldn't want the country to feel comfortable -- with this man until he gives some kind of explanation. "I was being hit on the head, repeatedly" would do, for a start.

I hate who this man is turning out to be. I hate the Good Old Boy behind the shiny apple cheeks and how we're only supposed to see the apple cheeks and no further. We're supposed to think he's friendly. Look how friendly! He's smiling in all those pictures, isn't he? He's not all straight out of the 1950s, no! But let's someone get this man's opinion on Joe McCarthy, just to be safe, hmm?

I'm going to put on my own tin-foil hat for a second and speculate. Welcome to my version of The Seduction of John Roberts.

TIME: some years ago. PLACE: a home in Bethesda, MD.
JOHN (male, white, single, conservative, good-looking in an All-American, all-boys prep school sort of way) sits at his desk with a glass of scotch late one night, chuckling at a book.

JOHN (to himself): Oh, that Ann Coulter. What a sparkplug!

Bang! An APPARITION appears in a puff of black smoke right by JOHN. She is a severe, prim woman in a suit. JOHN screams.

JOHN: Who are you?
APPARITION: I'm here to help you, John. Don't be alarmed.

JOHN does his best to catch his breath. After a moment, he looks more closely at the APPARITION.

JOHN: You seem familiar ...
APPARITION: I should. I appear to Republicans fated to serve our glorious cause, good men who need a little help.
JOHN: No, I've seen you somewhere.
APPARITION: You've seen me everywhere, John. I've served as secretary to Oliver North, before that as secretary to the great president Richard Nixon ...
JOHN: Rosemary! Of course!
APPARITION: Aliases are necessary in my line of work, yes. But you can simply call me Guidance Counselor.
JOHN: Well -- okay, Guidance Counselor. What can I do for you?
APPARITION: You're not married, John.

JOHN's game face droops. He plays with his glass of scotch.

JOHN: I know. And Genesis says --
APPARITION: I'm not interested in Genesis. I'm interested in the future of the GOP. We're going to call on you, John. You're going to help our glorious cause cement control of all three branches of government. Oh, it's going to be brilliant, John. Just wait til you see it.
JOHN: When?
APPARITION: The year 2005. President Bush --
JOHN: Jeb?
APPARITION: No, the other brother, George.
JOHN: George? That monkey-faced alcoholic do-nothing?
APPARITION: Things are very different in the future, John. George has cleaned up and found God. He can't do anything about the monkey-face, it's true, but we all have our crosses.
JOHN: George ... huh. Who'd have guessed.
APPARITION: The problem is, however, that you're not married. And you've written a couple things that are going to make you seem a little insensitive to women's rights. You're going to take a beating.
JOHN: How bad will it be?
APPARITION: It'll chap your ass like a plague of boils, that's for damn sure, but you'll get through it, John, because I've got a plan. We're going to marry you off. Oh yes. And here's the stroke of genius: to a feminist.
JOHN: No!
APPARITION: Yes.
JOHN: No!
APPARITION: I'm afraid there's no other way.
JOHN: Well, why don't I cut off my own johnson right now and save her the trouble?
APPARITION: Hear me out. She's not going to be just any feminist: she'll be a Feminist for Life.
JOHN: Feminist for the Life of Unmarried Career Women who want Vending Machine Abortions?
APPARITION: It's an anti-choice group but it's one the Left can't argue with. The f-word in the title acts as a sort of stun bomb on them. It's a terrific weapon: it leaves them gibbering and staggering about for hours.
JOHN: Okay, but she'll still cook for me and everything, right?
APPARITION: Everything.

JOHN reflects.

JOHN: I've always sort of wanted a wife. She'll be pretty? She has to be pretty. I can't stand ugly bitches.
APPARITION: Who can? Yes, she'll be pleasant-looking and well-groomed.
JOHN: Okay, then. I guess I can take this one for the team. Anything else?
APPARITION: Everything else, we'll take care of.

SHE moves to leave. JOHN stands up.

JOHN: I -- I want you to know I appreciate this, guidance counselor. I won't let you down.
APPARITION: Not me, John. Our glorious cause.
JOHN: Right.
APPARITION: Oh, also. There will be a senate page in 1999. You’ll meet at a dinner party at Grover Norquist’s and you’ll have … feelings. You must not act on them, John.
JOHN: Yes, ma'am.

He hangs his head. She tips his chin up with her finger.

APPARITION: No apologies, John. Remember: you're a Republican.