file under: WHAT?

Supposedly, Nicole Kidman, who looks like Nicole Kidman, would prefer to look like me. This is like Madonna renaming herself "ester" folks -- okay, "esther" but close enough. Maybe I should abandon my femmey instincts towards self-critcism, accept the fact that Hollywood wants to recreate itself in my short, curvy, jewish image, move to the West Coast and let the money pour in. Then I could afford cable!

"How to be like me" lessons I could offer to the insatiable elite:
Withering glances and eye-rolling
Web surfing for eight hours a day -- not as easy as it sounds
Forget this boho shit and rock the pleather!
Vocab
Tarot cards
What the Rabbis Say (about any given topic. Whatever I don't remember, I'll make up)
How to make things up but sound really convincing
What's Going on in Washington DC -- Who Are All Those Ugly People and What Do They Do Again?
Movies you've never heard of
Why the movies you know are sexist/racist/classist/objectionable and, now that you mention it, why you are too
Pinochle

Yes, that would be fun. The trick would be to capitalize on my inexplicable appeal before my fifteen minutes are up, then take my money back to NYC, buy real estate in the one up-and-coming neighborhood that's been curiously ignored until now, kick my heels up and eat Pirate's Booty on my ivy-drenched balcony until I'm financially set for life. Man, why didn't I realize getting rich would be this easy?