Sunday, February 26, 2006

one has to ask

Does a modern world with a postmodern attention span require both a Keira Knightley and a Natalie Portman? Both appear on magazine covers, their brown eyes staring at us from under butch haircuts. You can tell that editors have put the screws to their diminutive, skinny boy-bodies to make them exude sex appeal. In result, there's a faint whiff of it in the air, but perhaps that's coming from that Grey's Anatomy cover in the Entertainment section.

There seems to be enough talent between these two waifs to power one star. Which should it be? Let's break it down.

20 years old, British. Definitely has the accent going for her. Recently impressed hardened Jane Austen fans with her turn as Eliza Bennett. However, had to work hard to impress them after pathetic performance in Pirates of the Carribean, where Johnny Depp out-sexed her by a mile and a half. Established some "girl next door" cred in Bend it like Beckham, squandered it in King Arthur.

24 years old, Israeli-American. Faked an accent for Closer, where she was thoroughly out-sexed by Clive Owen. Established "girl next door" cred in Garden State (and pedophile's dream cred in Beautiful Girls.) Sucked the life out of every Star Wars scene she was in, but let's be charitable and blame the script.

A tricky question? Hardly. The fact that Portman was utterly unconvincing as a stripper gives the edge to Knightley. These days pole skills in our young talented actresses are a must: Lohan, for example, practices three days a week! Plus, Knightley really did make a lovely Eliza. Sorry, Portman. See you on Naboo.
(A tip of the hat to the pros at Fametracker, of course.)


sarah said...

thank god, someone finally realized that natalie portman and keira knightley are one and the same.

i used to like natalie portman, back when she was twelve. something happened along the way and now she only makes sucky movies.

why not cast keira in v for vendetta, given that it takes place in britain?

Nate said...

"Hold me, Ani. Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo."

Gold! That's gold!

Don't forget that "The Professional" was a pedophile's even better dream.

Adam said...

Good call on Portman's genearl suckiness in 'Closer'. Still, Knightley hadn't got shit on that pink wig.

Once, I saw Portman as Ann Frank in 'The Diary of Ann Frank' on B'way. She was really young (16) and really bad. She actually ditzed up Anne Frank to an extent I had never thought possible. When she said, "People really are good at heart," what she seemed to mean was, "Like the fish in the sea, why can't we all just make love, not war? Big bad Nazis are really just cuddly teddy bears when they wanna be, hones!"

sarah said...

oh god, i have to comment again.

"i'm only beautiful because i'm so much in love."

also, from the mouth of hayden christensen:

"I don't like the sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating--not like you. You're soft and smooth."

oh natalie and hayden. the black hole you created whenever you were on screen together was more notable than any of the movies.

"my, ani, you've grown."

"so have you - grown more beautiful."

sure, you could blame the script . . . and george lucas, but i can't believe the actors didn't rebel. i can imagine natalie being all, "fuck this! I WENT TO HARVARD, DAMMIT. i'm entitled to some dialogue that wasn't ripped off a greeting card. hell, i'm all funky and into indie rock! i can imitate bjork! I'M AN ACT-RESS!"

i sincerely apologize but this had to be said.

Nate said...

They did not have a monopoly on Lucasian lyricism. I submit to you:

"Good relations with the Wookies I have."

It is like if starlight and moonbeams were somehow fashioned into words.

guile said...

garden state.. i love that movie..