Tuesday, March 11, 2008

the art of sitting still

Goddammandblastit, I'm gonna go crazy at some point from the waiting. Brooklyn College did a round of notification by phone in late February during which I was *not* called; they have emitted not a peep since. I know because, so help me, I've started reading the frequently and frantically updated 2008 Admissions Blogs.

I am trying to remind myself of the following details, all of which are only Lightly to Moderately True:
- I don't care whether or not I get in (light)
- Whether or not I get in I am a worthwhile person (moderate)
- I can still be a writer without an MFA (moderate)
- An MFA program can't teach you persistence and dedication, which are the fundamental building blocks for an actual writing career (moderate)

What is very true is that I cared a lot less, and was a lot less nervous, before I did some rudimentary wandering around the internet two weeks ago and discovered the actual acceptance rate. Friends, why did I do this to myself, apply to only one really good really selective program with no back-up plan to help soothe the savage ego-beast?

It's enough to make a person consider finding peace in a $5,000, life-ruining embrace. (Mr. Spitzer, I vomit on you from a distance. You have THREE DAUGHTERS, you arrogant, irritating, disappointing, testosterone-driven douchebag. I hope your relevant sexual organs shrivel up like old carrots, not that I wish you any harm.)

I am also worried for friends who are hearing from other programs. Oh, March, what a blustery and frustrating month you are.


Emily Douglas said...

Esther, how are you so good at delivering the thoughtfully personal with a tasty side of the articulately outraged political?

Elisabeth O said...

is the title a reference to the greatest of all TS Eliot lines, "teach us to care and not to care/teach us to sit still"?

sarah rose said...

this light/moderate stuff makes me think of tampons! i have to say that my belief that whether or not you get in you are still a worthwhile person is HEAVY.

or is the title a reference to the great elizabeth bishop poem that's been running through my head One Art: "The art of losing is not hard to master..."

ester said...

aw, thanks!

elis, maybe i was subconsciously. i have lots of orphan fragments lying around.

and src, it's possible i was thinking of that too -- i do have tampons on the brain this week.

PiggyBankBlues said...

regarding spitzer, he spent tens of thousands of dollars, easily traceable-- the arrogance just gets worse and worse...

ester said...

true. the money laundering ($80,000, they're saying now) is the iniquitous cherry on the boneheaded sundae. if he's just gone down the street for a random sex worker, or better had an aide do so for him, none of this would be happening. but he suffers more than we do: we get david paterson, a hopefully less crooked politician; he loses all.