unsatisfactory laundry experience + being called a jap in my poetry class (although the perpetrator apologized afterwards) + going to a film festival of sorts on campus and finding the audience to be indie-trendy-artsy-barnhards and the films to be pretty self-indulgent and unremarkable = craving for a chocolate bar, which i'm now eating sulkily. it's too much for me, actually; it's making me kind of sick, but i can't throw it away.

arrggh!! what if i apply, as previously posited, to film skool, and what if, by some chance, i get in, and the other people who go are like that. i'd never be thin enough, or mismatched in precisely the right way. i'd never have the right glasses or bag or shoes or taste in music. if i wouldn't be a groupie i'd be an awkward outsider, like i was this evening, and sure, i'm exaggerating, but i was filled with an annoyance so intense i snapped at ross and left ben without saying goodbye.

if i don't go to film skool, what will i do? once again, google provides the answers:

Ester will provide invaluable input on a number of issues impacting New York City - from health to homelessness to education

Ester will help us understand a young child's need to bite

Ester will often seemingly heedlessly throw herself into the thick of the fray, enthusiastically giving as good as she gets.

"Ester will have a healthy baby." (not for another ten years, i hope)

Ester will graduate with a certificate from the Partners in Ministry program

ester will be sold as a mix with conventional diesel

Ester will only generate anger towards people of other faiths

man, this is looking dire.