restraint

there's always something that keeps me from going over the edge and drowning in a sea of enthusiasm. no matter how happy happy i am in general about an experience, i can't help but also notice the vomit stains on the floor, or whatever the opposite of a silver lining is. mostly, this allows me to maintain perspective and that's a good thing. it also makes me sullenly want an unsullied experience, an experience so amazing that the vomit stains on the floor become insignificant.

except my relationship, come to think of it. relationship aside. (good relationship.)

the happy happy of cty consists of:
+ an admin staff that treated me with a surprising amount of respect
+ an RA staff including a handful of people i consistently wanted to be around, and a larger handful of folks whose company i could enjoy from time to time
+ two halls of girls whose constant chirping of "ester! ester!" stemmed from their love of me. (look, we're not talking about a boy now, we're talking about 12 12-year-olds. there's no need to be coy. i treated them like adults sometimes and sometimes i chased them down the hallways; i bought them starburst and listened to their problems and gave them their mail; and they loved me. they even said so on their evals. so there.)

the vomit stains consist of:
- the fact that i feel vaguely expendable to the RAs in general. i didn't make a strong enough impression. i wasn't hero, villain, or fool. it may be that i'll just never be popular in/to large groups, only in comfy subsets. but that doesn't it make less disheartening.
- small irritations about bad food, body image issues, problems with the way cty is run, over-privileged children, not getting any tips when one RA got $150 and a gift certificate. mostly it's just the expendable thing. the possibility of being both expendable and mediocre is my bigger personal fear.

it's over. the kids are gone. all that's left for the RAs to do is get smashed tonight and be off campus by noon tomorrow. several of us got started early, drinking cocktails at tea time while watching beauty and the beast. no vomit stains there, though there might be some later, heh heh! ... sigh. i think i'd prefer deep conversation to drinking, frankly, or at least some combination of the two. i've been spoiled for life by my friends from home with whom that kind of thing is not only possible but de rigeur.

tomorrow i'll be home, for at least a week. my only summer vacation of the summer. it will lack several key players, scattered damn-it-all to africa and the middle east, but by god it will include digital cable, good food, no responsibility, a dog, and at least a fraction of my family. 'twill serve.