Wednesday, April 05, 2006

my mother suggests bourbon

Somehow, I brought illness back with me to the East Coast. I did manage to make it through the two days of my internship while my headcold was warming up in the batting cages. In case I haven’t mentioned it before, my internship is in the development department of a small indie film company, which means I read scripts and pitches all day long.

In doing so, I have identified several words you should NEVER use if you want the person in my position to pass your idea along:

1) Vampires
2) Conspiracy
3) Vampire-conspiracy
4) Al-Qaeda
5) Based on true events from my own life

On the positive side, made sure to include a cover letter, make sure to consult your good friend spell check, and make sure not to begin, "CHOAS!!"

Using the very sophisticated above formula, I managed to eliminate virtually every offering except the ones about lesbians (one contributor advised us, “they’re really hot right now, especially with straight men”). Those the development director nixed, cuz the company already has a picture in post-production about lesbians.

Then, right at the end of the workday yesterday, the Barry Bonds of headcolds finally stepped to the plate, wound up, and smacked me in the face with its baseball bat. Homerun! Big surprise.

The bottom line is, my face hurts, and, to give you the full mental picture, I'm wearing my ketchup-colored fleece pajamas & my glasses and basking in the comforting presence of Rachel Ray on the Food network. Thank god for the bare-bones basic cable that came with the apartment. No Iron Chef America though, and that's too bad. Just from the two episodes I saw on the plane ride, I discovered I could totally develop a crush on the chairman.

This is the new twinkie defense, apparently, by the way: this Homeland Security pervert's lawyer says he was depressed. Is sending 14 year old girls porn what you do when you need a little pick-me-upper? But I guess we should endeavor to be supportive. After all, these guys have a very stressful job to bungle at every opportunity.

2 comments:

Rex Ferric said...

[throws script about the true events behind the Al-Qaeda vampire conspiracy to ruin my life into trash bin...(sighes heavily...)]

Nate said...

What about screenplays where a free-spirited woman teaches an uptight, punctual man how to really live! Man, I can't get enough of those.