Monday, February 07, 2005


thank you, by the way, to everyone who's checked up on me since i started posting about the craziness in my head. i appreciate it. part of me, i think, is just waiting for everyone i love to realize new york is where it's at and gravitate here. in the meantime the reaching-out-and-touching matters a lot.

i went home this weekend, visited my other space. my room feels more and more barren every time i go. i look for my hair, mixed up with sheba's, in the carpet, and there's nothing. the room is clean. in fact, the room is exactly the way my mom always wished i'd keep it, everything straightened or folded away. she must find my sleeping in my clean and empty nest as odd as i do. this time, i dreamt of a hermaphroditic demon who was alternately interested in seducing me and killing me. i think that pretty much sums up my current mental state.

so many decisions on the table and so few certainties. i realized before i left (it was my grandmother's 92nd birthday) that i had saved a semi-substantial amount of money over the past several months. almost immediately, the achievement of that became a stress: do i just keep saving it? invest it? put it in an IRA? and isn't that an irish terrorist organization?

maybe i will start seeing someone, as more than one of you tactfully suggested. hey, if tony soprano can handle it. the problem is that my problems feel embarrassingly mundane: i'm 22, i have issues with my job, issues with my apartment, issues with money, i miss my family and my friends, i don't know what to do with my life and i don't want to make the wrong choices. isn't that garden-variety stuff i should be able to just deal with? nothing about my plight is special except that i'm clearly having trouble coping.

well anyway. i finally succumbed to some oscar bait: hotel rwanda, which was better than i expected -- wrenching and absorbing without straying into sentimentality. i was whimpering through much of the second half, more from suspense than gratuitous violence, and don cheadle's pitch-perfect performance kept me from looking away.
and sideways, for which ben and i walked 30 rainy night blocks to and back again. it was worth it.

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