Friday, October 24, 2008

"Hit a Jew Day" Goes Terribly Awry

Middle-school students in Missouri have taken it upon themselves to create "Hit a Jew Day" to brighten the landscape between July 4th and Halloween. Fewer than 10 children were affected, though one was slapped in the face, and another had a cross carved into his cheek. (Just kidding!)

In a first, the ADL declined to overreact, saying only that this was "more than bullying." Hmm. I think we all need an Outrage-O-Meter. I'll try to mock one up, but for now I would say that this registers about a 2.5 out of 10. 5 would be "Shooting an Innocent Bear Cub and Dropping Him on a College Campus, Covered in Obama Signs" and 10 would be "Joe Lieberman."

No doubt this was in response to the news that adorable Israel, sister state of Florida and NY, with all its potential converts to Palin-approved religious cults, is 150% in the tank for Obama. To be fair, though, according to that map, nations everywhere are in the tank -- Change We Can Believe In is the one thing India and Pakistan can agree on! War-torn Sudan is a toss-up. Iraq is bright red, presumably with the spilled blood of innocents. Only little Namibia is as excited about John McCain. Even Georgia is only PINK, like the real Georgia!

!!BREAKING!! Ashley Todd, aka the Barack-O-Lantern, didn't just make up her story of being attacked for being a McCain supporter, she also has self-described "prior mental problems." When she had to pull a description of her assailant out of thin air, here's what she said:
Richard said the woman had described her alleged attacker as an African-American, 6 feet 4 inches tall with a medium build and short dark hair, wearing dark clothing and shiny shoes.
Doesn't that sort of sound like this man?

Perhaps Ms. Todd was subconsciously picturing Obama jumping her since he has been leaving his mark all over Pennsylvania, where she's been living, volunteering for John McCain. Or maybe she's just Ashley the Lying Racist Drama Queen.


Emily Douglas said...

Most people get less articulate and less bearable the longer this thing drags on, and you get funnier and tighter? How is this possible? How are YOU not Rachel Maddow? You'll always be my favorite stop on my Google Reader!

nathan said...

Sorry about the Missouri thing. The only Jew I've ever hit was my friend Shoshana. And that was because I turned around and she was drinking my choco-nana shake without asking. And even that was because I reflexively reached out to grab said shake and instead swatted her wrist by mistake, causing her to spill the shake all over the table. We both laughed about it awkwardly, but what went unsaid between us and has poisoned our relationship ever since is that we both knew that "accidental" strike came from deep-seated resentment. I've tried reading Chabon and Spiegelman, and loudly dropping bits of Woody Allen trivia into our convo, but some things can't be healed. What's done is done.

nathan said...

That's not as funny as it seemed when I first wrote it. *shrug*

ester said...

no regrets, dude. i smiled.

also, emily, you bring joy to my heart.