so here i am, back in the fuzzy protective arms of swarthmore pa. before i left this afternoon, my family all gave me advice. "don't take this so seriously," my father counseled. his position is that there is going to be a war of sorts -- when i arrived home, he was poring over his ancient german atlas w/ a magnifying glass and pointing out where troops'll be stationed for maximum effect. he's almost cheerful about it: he thinks we'll march in, stern-faced and flag-waving and restructure the governments of the countries, "force them to enter the 21st century."
"take this as seriously as you want," my grandfather counseled. remember vietnam: students brought down a president ("yeah, but then they got nixon," my father points out. grandpa ignores him and goes on.) students can change things if they care enuf, if they fight hard. his position is that we're going to start a strategic, subtle campaign of assasinations. there won't be much media coverage but we will carefully take out the world terrorist leaders. he opposed the gulf war, and he and my father still argue over whether we should have gotten involved.
"don't lose your sense of humor," my mother counseled.
"and don't forget to be happy," said my grandmother.
hopefully, i will, i will, i will, and i won't. respectively.

i went to sleep last nite feeling a little ill. woke up feeling better but declined again, enuf so to leave services, drive home, and go back to bed. headaches and nausea, nothing too serious, and w/ me, always as much psychological as physical. arguing drains me, indecision drains me, and for some reason dry cereal and water (my breakfasts) have begun to make me sick. my father explained my absence at the post-services lunch: "her boyfriend's a pacifist. he's a nice russian boy, he's 20, he doesn't want to get shot. i don't blame him; if i were his age, i wouldn't want war either. she's worried." that made me laugh and when i laughed, i felt better and i went downstairs to rejoin the company and defend myself.
i am worried, tho. i'm worried that everyone's going to be aggressively leftist here and i'm going to be alienated. i don't have a strong view on the subject yet. guess i need to, huh? hmm ...

last nite i watched quiz show, which is about how people lost faith in tv. all these movies, like the insider and all the president's men, where people lose faith in tobacco companies or the american government and it's such a tragedy, don't move me as much as they probably should. i find it amusing in a detached sort of way that people ever had faith in those institutions to begin w/.

it was good to be home, rejuvenating to see my friends. avi -- the guy who wrote me the email i posted up here -- called me from Michigan and apologized. he's been really stressed out and took out his ire on me since he couldn't at his campus as a whole. he might restate his position a little more carefully and email it, in which case i'll post it. i have no problem w/ discussion, and i told him i definitely sympathize w/ his stress. when he's done w/ college, he goes straight into the army (he's in ROTC.) if anyone has cause to be stressed out, he does.