(this post is dedicated to my friend ari who said he doesn't get a sense from my entries of how i feel):
i am coming to realize that i really don't enjoy arguing. that would sound banal except that it's a shift. growing up, i argued w/ my family -- rather than chat around the dinner table, we had intellectual debates. i argued w/ friends, altho poor liz used to beg me to stop. maybe this is karma since now i want it to stop and it won't. this is argument overload. this is ego against ego, competition, bickering, quibbling, aggressiveness, defensiveness, exhaustion, apologies, irritation and snapping twenty-four hours a day. or at least that's my perception. ... already i feel defensive because look! i've presented a viewpoint; now i expect it to come under attack. sheesh.

yesterday, talking to rebecca's mom post-dinner (a disabled car forced her to stay an extra night,) she asked what my plans were for next year. i outlined options and pros and cons and she commented, "it really sounds like you want to get to copenhagen." since that hadn't been the conscious point of my shpiel, it surprised me a little to hear her say it. truthfully
i waver. on one hand, i'm scared of change, i worry too much, i get depressed w/o sunlight and when i'm too long by myself. on the other -- this being the side i'm trying to stress when considering next semester -- i'll be in europe in a beautiful little city that'll be at least somewhat familiar, i'll be taking interesting classes, i'll meet people (?), and i'll be doing all the things i'm too scared to do, which will feel like an accomplishment. even if that sense of accomplishment won't be enuf to comfort me exactly during the dark cold lonely hours i spend curled up in a corner.

but the bottom line is i'm going (unless the foreign study office finds unearths some startling information from my past that dissuades them.) maybe by the time i'm done i'll be confident enuf that i won't mind if an ugly picture of me gets put in 100 mailboxes for comic purposes. yeah, that's a good goal.