1) comments are working again! so you can react now to the fact that:

2) i am a good consumer. i bought two cds today WHOLESALE: one mckeown and one phil ochs. something moved me. there i was at borders -- there were so many options -- and i needed distraction so immediately and so thoroughly -- and i had the money (well, sort of). i went for it. because:

2) after a short period of calm, i broke down again. i went to talk to my history prof about my paper. i went in confident, explaining that i felt like my trouble was a common, valid one: the class as a whole did badly because although the assignment was vague, he wanted something specific. this was exacerbated by my personal problem of having tried to write three papers in three days -- a ridiculous and futile enterprise, as i now recognize. he nodded at each of these statements and then explained each away, continuing to nod and smile as i felt my voice grow increasingly sticky in my throat. then with a final flourish he asked, "is this your first history class?"
no, i managed to choke out: i took history last semester. he said a few more things i don't remember, asking periodically, "you see what i mean?" i nodded and nodded and nodded my way out the door. barely out of the building before i was in tears and not long before i ran into lousia. i threw myself on her and

4) lousia comforted me. she had her own breakdown on monday; she gave me some off the cuff reassurances, enuf to help me compose myself. then we lunched and talked and walked, going over her problems and mine. i just needed to verbalize, to get it out to someone and she was there.
it worked: i feel somewhat better. now i have distillation on, which so far is certainly worth the label price. my mom is fed-exing me my dress for the formal this weekend. tomorrow nite i'm going into ohilly to see becca's production of angels in america, which she's been driving herself crazy making happen. hopefully i will sufficiently lulled and distracted. hopefully i'll even stumble across some sort of long-term cure, so that this bipolar unstability finally stops.