Wednesday, March 17, 2004

a new pattern!

i alternate between leaving unpleasant events 2/3 of the way through and having anxiety attacks. the two are not unrelated: whenever i'm in the clutches of something that doesn't engage at least half of my attention, i begin to perspire and palpitate about all the work i will never get done.

the worst part is that there's no day i can look to when it will be over. at graduation you only trade honors/grad skool/job search/future/thesis anxiety for Future anxiety. with a capital Future. at some point, eventually, i imagine, there will a lull, some time when i have a new residence, new occupation, when i can spend thirty full minutes without gnashing my teeth about What's Going to Happen. but without being able to mark that point on a calendar and work to it, i'm in my own personal idea of hell, walking down a corridor towards an EXIT sign that never gets closer.

there is no bright side. bunnies with bow-ties really aren't that hilarious. no, wait, i'll think of one.

okay: my hair hasn't started falling out yet.
i'm in requited love.
i was contacted by columbia for an interview, which seems to mean i made some cut.
i'm seeing eternal sunshine of the spotless mind on friday.
the odds are i will get through this (however indeterminate) period, because i'm healthy and sturdy and, as charlotte reminded us on the last episode of sex and the city, we're jews! we've gotten through worse than this.

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