for about 20 sweet, sweet hours, i was going to SF after all. my parents and i worked it out: i would pay them back $200 and i would promise to look up all their old long-lost friends and not buy any drugs on the street. (really, i'm a good kid. i only started doing any kind of drug senior year of high skool, i never did anything stronger than pot, and that was (is) only sporadically. i told my parents i was clean and they believed me. then they found an article i wrote for swat's humor magazine, spike, where i described my trip to amsterdam this summer, part of which was spent w/ my brother adam, and much of which was spent in a classic a'dam-style haze. naturally the whole thing was exaggerated for comic effect and mostly my parents took it in stride. only now they probably feel naive and stupid for trusting me. ah, parental dynamics.)

so yeah, up til this afternoon, i was SF bound. becca (swat becca) was excited: we'd be in the city the same time -- we could do the slack-jawed, saucer-eyed tourist shtick together. martha was excited: she loves SF and told me i'd love it too. ben was excited: we'd be together. and, of course, i was excited: SF; my first visit to sunny CA; becca; the bunnies; ben (benbenbenben).
today travelocity fucked me in the ass. unexpected and unpleasant. i cried in the car going to bethesda out of sheer frustration -- mental, sexual. i had dinner plans w/ becca (penn becca) and ari. tho i was late, they were later; i had calmed down, but standing in front of the restaurant in the thick, sewer-quality air, i still felt pretty miserable. i heard someone call out, "ester!" and i glanced across the street. ben -- different ben: oldest-guy-friend first-boyfriend (5th - 6th grade) once-partner-in-wicca oft-partner-in-rebellion senior-prom-date who dated another girl named ester in high skool just like i'm dating another guy named ben @ college, isn't that a funny coincidence? -- was working at xandos. we chatted for awhile until i saw becca approach.
and five seconds later, ari.
dinner (wonderful: everyone go to raku) discussion about feminism. becca calls herself a feminist, always has. ari, like ben (swat ben) w/ whom i had this same talk last nite, doesn't see the need for people to label themselves feminists. again, very reasonable, calm, intelligent argument ensued. everyone i'm around is so mellow, especially compared to some of my beloved swatties, god bless 'em.

tomorrow i'm going to a lecture on russian freedom of the press which no longer exists so really the lecture will be on the ramifications of that. afterwards, they give us food. then i guess i go and try to find a real part-time paying type job. i picked up an application @ barnes today and i'll pick up another for video warehouse. i have no retail experience; i guess that's probably a detriment. maybe they'll hire me anyway. even if i don't need to make $200 asap anymore, it would be nice to get some cash.

wish i looked like this: beautiful.

wisdom from ani: "when i look around, i think this, this is good enuf/ and i try to laugh at whatever life brings/ cause when i look down, i just miss all the good stuff/ and when i look up, i just trip over things." (as is)
so true.