i have scottish accents running thru my head, having just come away from breaking the waves, a lars van trier film with that bears more than a passing resemblance to his later dancer in the dark, starring bjork. in waves, it's emily watson who plays the sort-of-simple, pure, otherworldly heroine. she's fabulous, just as bjork is and in the same way -- each seems perfectly suited for the part. van trier is now 2 for 2 in succeeding to leave me curled up like a shrimp and sobbing.
pretty impressive.

actually, i don't know what's been wrong w/ me recently but every evening has provided me w/ reason to get depressed. even (especially) stupid things. quite possibly it's exhaustion: i haven't gotten nearly as much sleep as i should have: 16 and a half hours over the past three nites. i keep pulling at my hair, which gives me headaches but i can't seem to stop. i have nothing to stress about and yet i'm filled w/ stress: i have to watch all seven of the movies; i can't get my webpage to appear on certain computers (is it a netscape thing?) and i don't know how to fix it; i haven't found a second job yet, tho i've applied.
christ, what's wrong w/ me?
yesterday, after ani, which was terrific of course, liz jamie and ilana came back to my house. it took longer than it should have since a bunch of girls there got blasted w/o thinking of how they were going to get home, and, being somewhat acquainted w/ liz, they corraled her into helping them. it's a long story and the result of it was an even longer drive that threatened to irritate all of us, particularly liz, who was tired too and had the work the next day.

maybe yoga this evening; maybe that'll help. maybe a small crowd at my house, tho i'm not letting anyone stay too late. and if matt rubin makes one more explicit comment, i'll give him his balls in a tupperware box and send him and them home to GW in a taxi. too much reading about violence against women and too many catcalls have left me w/ no patience. (really, unless it happens to you continuously, you have no idea how large a toll that shit can take. you feel guilty, you feel dirty, you feel ashamed, and all you did was walk down a street. it's made me angrier, too, i've noticed, in general, because there's no recourse and there's no outlet for your frustration. this after only having to deal w/ it for 2 - 3 weeks!)

4 month anniversary a couple days ago. totally forgot about it. that's one-third of a year ... wow.
okay. i'll cheer up. i'll go to sleep first; when i wake up, i'll be all right.