"i wonder about all the roads not taken and am moved to quote Frost ... but won't. It is sad to be able only to mouth other poets. I want someone to mouth me." --sylvia plath, journals of sylvia plath.

i underlined that almost exactly a year ago. initially the journals really excited me, i remember. i kept my pencil in my hair and kept pulling it out to mark something that struck me as poetic, particularly well-said, or just something that could have come from my own mind. then as i continued to read, or, put another way, as sylvia aged, i found myself relating to her less, and ultimately i even disliked her. funny thing. i'm not sure what changed. i think i lost patience w/ her bipolarity: she was either entirely confident in her own brilliance, or she felt she had no talent at all and should stop take up dishwashing as a hobby.
it frightened me a little b/c i felt like we were on the same wavelength, to a degree, early on. i didn't (don't) want to end up like her. altho of course the accolades &c. would be much appreciated.
was there any way to be memorable w/o being depressed? i remember also mulling over that. as jill sobule says, "dorothy parker: mean drunk and depressed. ... tennessee williams: drunk and depressed. i guess i'll just get drunk and depressed ...."
it was at the same time that i discovered that janeane garofolo had gotten a breast reduction when she was in her teens b/c, as she said, at 5'2", a 36D chest made her look "dumpy."
so much for heroes. (which is, of course, jill sobule's point in the song)

on a similar note, i watched the insider this afternoon. long but interesting and extremely well-acted; clearly russel crowe got his oscar belatedly.
i was supposed to go w/ RB and MR to a concert this evening. at the last minute, tamar called and said nomiyoni and adam were going out for ice cream as a goodbye to yoni, who's leaving for memphis. i changed plans and went, partly b/c i knew i wouldn't see yoni for 5 months or so, and partly b/c i needed to talk to tamar.
it went all right. i don't know, i just have much more fun in situations where i don't have to banter mean-spiritedly. inevitably it catches me off guard, i guess b/c i'm still unused to being attacked, even jokingly. i can respond w/ attacks of my own and sometimes they amuse the people around us, but mostly it doesn't make me happy.
it particularly sucks in this instance b/c last year yoni and i were friends -- or at least more than we are now. last year we were moderately close: if we did banter, i knew that there was luv behind the barbs. w/o that reassurance, i get a little upset.
ah well. i'm really tired. after going to bed at 4 last nite, i got woken up at 9:45 this morning and i didn't go back to sleep. ("sleep! that's where i'm a viking!")
five pts if you can get not only the reference but the episode. email me yr guesses (see form on the side that i worked so long last nite to get right?)
god bless.