Wednesday, February 19, 2003

after history seminar yesterday an intense powwow with my teacher-mentor. when i'm done with this class i'll have taken 4 credits with her -- that's virtually a minor. you have to have fire in your belly, she says. you get too distracted. (starved for declarations. tell me more.) want this more than anything, she said, or it won't happen, and you'll just be another one of those people that Wants a lot but doesn't get anywhere. make this the first step. after all, why NOT you? (okay but.) (i'm short?) you're short? since when? i blinked at her again. she told me stories of her old best friend from college. who's your best friend?, she asked me. (i haven't considered that question since israel, right after highskool ...) you have lots of good friends, don't you? matt rubin brought you diet coke in class. her best friend was tall. i could call her up right now, she says. (will she, once i leave her office?) instead, she turns to the computer, impatient with me or just eager to get on with the rest of her evening. i'm tired, she says. as i walk out, i answer, Go to sleep.

it's inspiring to have people tell you things about you. or have you not noticed? a woman i'd only worked for for a few days last summer told me i had bad depth perception. transfixing! how did she know? indeed she was right -- or, i'd never thought about it, but why not? parking was always tricky, and abstract math. tempting to get a psychiatrist just so she can tell me things about me. i'd rather divide people into categories than join the fray. if i'm not the resident expert i don't want to address an issue. i think, I don't belong here, when what i mean is, I wish i'd done this reading. it's more fun when it happens spontaneously, when you don't have to pay for it.
anyway, i'm so inspired i come home and entirely redo my resume, basing it nearly word-for-word on my brother's, which he spent ages on over winter break. that's what brothers are for.

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