at some point this afternoon, my human interactions began to feel unnatural. again i wonder if this is somehow related to this kundera book which is somewhere between a novel and a long mediation on the human condition. maybe a combination of that and the movie i saw this afternoon: serendipity which i had to review for the phoenix. actually i had planned to see iron monkey, which i'd been informed is a chinese martial arts flick by the choreographer of crouching tiger but with no pretense at plot or seriousness. at literally the last second, i changed my decision and walked under the sign that said "serendipity."
i have nostalgic connections to the word (to which my friend ari, hopefully no-longer-pneumatic, can attest) and i enjoy high fidelity so much that i have softened considerably towards m. cusack. my attitude pre- that was a bristly reaction to his 80s fluff. i realize now that my softness belongs to rob gordon; m. cusack is an unapologetic fluffmeister. he is best at being the adorably self-obsessed, serious romantic whose steps out of bounds are envied and indulged rather than critiqued by the world. personally i like him best as an asshole. no matter.

the movie put me in a sour mood. i can't tell if i'm drawn to this kundera book or repelled by it. i haven't had a real conversation w/ anyone in six hours.

last nite the bunny (cheerful, shorn) wanted to sleep early. compliant, i prepared to go to bed. when i reentered my room, i found him watching the opening credits of when harry met sally. it has always been a dream of mine to watch that, my favorite movie, with someone i love. but one friend of mine was ridiculed by her boyfriend's friends for asking her boyfriend to watch it w/ her; i consequently became determined not to ever demand it of anyone.
last nite, it was just there: what i always wanted. i didn't even have to ask. & it was just as wonderful as it would have been in my imagination, had i ever been so silly as to try to imagine those circumstances. yet today i go about my life, no different, cognisant of the fact that i'm lucky, somber (now that the bitterness has faded) regardless, thoughtful. maybe i just need to find someone to talk to. maybe it's as simple as that.