times of stress. today during stat, i couldn't even pretend to concentrate. instead i wrote paranoid poetry, both pieces bred of my impression that people dislike me. at times like this, my senses of such things can't really be trusted.

polisci was a little better. at least we didn't get our papers back. that would have been more than i could handle. ben chided me over lunch for even attempting to write three papers in three days -- my first three of the year, no less -- which is what i had to do before break. the responses to the two of them i've gotten back were so disheartening that i haven't recovered yet. i take this shit more personally than i should. still, how are you supposed to continue believing in yourself and your abilities when professors have no words of encouragment and the work keeps piling on?
it makes me think i'm not cut out to be a student. one of the first things they tell us here, during orientation, is that no matter what anyone says or does to us, we're still worthwhile people. we laughed about it at the time; little did we realize the degree to which that would come in question.

more precisely, the question of whether others see you as worthwhile. what you think of yourself is less relevant. especially if you're like me and your perceptions of yourself are all tied up w/ the perceptions' of others.
and if your friends make you feel stupid at the same time that your professors are shaking their heads at you, how are you supposed to retain self-confidence? how can you shrug off both?

ben held me while i watched the sky and tears dripped into my ears -- that happens when you're lying on your back; it was strange feeling them pool there. he told me i have to convince people i'm serious. get through to them. it's frustrating that i'm even in this position, but i guess the kids i grew up w/ were so sensitive to each other that this wasn't necessary. i hate confrontation. i hate making other people upset. but i can't stand this drama either.

in other news, i spent the afternoon film midterming w/ jeff. that went speedily. we have another inclass part tomorrow but hopefully it won't be too esoteric. interview for our grant this morning. hopefully we made a good impression. jeff and jolly fed me lots of chocolate. now i have to go meet the cast for our first group meeting.