mm, might vomit. yes, might. i just ate the largest pile of french fries i've ever seen, let alone ingested. but i did it: i transfered each greasy, crinkle-cut square from plate to mouth and for good reason. i, ester, laziest of all lazy eaters, chronic nibbler, able to subsist on dry cereal, carrots, yogurt and diet coke for weeks at a time, finally bought something from the supermarket that requires more preparation than tossing the thing in the microwave and pressing 'power'.
i made too many as i didn't stop to consider that i would be the only one eating. but i didn't over or underdo them; burn the apartment to a crisp; or in any other way fuck up the baking process. i baked! i! baked!
sort of, anyway.
otherwise today was sort of blah. class: blah. weather: blah. three times i came close to tears for stupid reasons (loneliness, middle east conflict which should have put loneliness in perspective but didn't really, and confessions, which i got from jackie). i noticed that i don't know the back of my hand particularly well. the one i use most, my right, is all scuffed and blotchy, and there's one set of short parallel lines of red dots -- i have no idea where they came from. the back of my left hand, by contrast, is almost glibly smooth.
tomorrow in our last class of emergency danish our prof, who's excellent -- i have such respect for teachers --, is taking us to a pastry shop and making us each individually place an order in danish. i'm bracing myself: i have a low humiliation threshold. if i must though i must and it'll be good for me to do it at least once. later that evening a party with hot dogs and folk dancing. i might skip out on that and go see a movie. how have i made it this long ... ?
got one letter from ben, wrote one to liz (it seemed appropriate as i was 'cooking'). i miss homefolk though i'm in a better state than i was. books for our classes were distributed in blue ikea bags and mine was quite possibly the heaviest. 5 classes, each social science = more than i can carry; hell, probably more than i weigh. eric and kong helped me and then we went shopping. we might go out to celebrate my culinary achievement in a bit. sitting around in my empty room on my empty hall is arsenic for my mood. poison in high doses but with the frightening extra that in small, daily doses i could get used to it.
Dan Weiss’s Morning Coffee
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