my legs started hurting on the train and i couldn't figure out why. i fidgeted but couldn't work it down out past my knees; tried to forget it, burying myself in two towers (gandalf's so much more like merlin in the second book! ohh it will make such a good film); walked through five cars. no use. finally i realized what it came from, and once i did, it receded some. now it's barely perceptible, back home at last. safe in my room, white as a shoebox, dotted on all walls with smiling faces of people i know and have known, listening to bjork and beth, i have no hint yet of what missing ben will feel like when it hits full force and higher up. meanwhile, dinner mit mi madre, lanaliz time perhaps? -- i dreamt my friends were all angry with me, going to some great warm place and leaving me behind. hopefully i will find that untrue.