bells are ringing? where?

at our fancy seniors-only white tablecloth dinner yesterday evening, my table started talking about weddings. none of us is getting married, none of us wants to. in fact, i had found out that morning that a friend i hadn't seen in two years was getting engaged to a fella she had only MET, let alone realized she was compatable with, in that time. i'd never heard of the guy, and she was contracting to spend the rest of her life with him. fuzzy, huh?

none of my local friends, whether from home or college, have done anything so dashing. in consequence, i haven't been to a wedding in a decade. when i was little, my parents took me to three:

#1) babysitter karen's wedding. i was the flower girl, i ran out of the flowers half-way down the aisle, and gave my parents in the audience a panicked look. they urged me to keep going anyway, and i did. WEDDING RESULT: divorce.

#2) babysitter celina's wedding. the priest died during the ceremony. keeled over and died. they got a new priest and the wedding went on, but the groom turned out to be abusive and thievish. WEDDING RESULT: divorce, and the asshole got custody of their small daughter.

#3) an older couple's casual wedding, the second for each. i can't even remember who they were now, except that they seemed happy, and there was no garish garter play or cake smashing like you see on tv.

so. my experience with weddings is limited and fraught with anxiety. but my curious friends had questions that made me think about several important wedding-related issues:

#1) there will be no dancing at my wedding. i'm not kidding. i made two $5 bets on this. no dancing. no crappy band, no horahs, no bride and groom lifted in rickety chairs. one time, during a fiddler on the roof rehearsal, i fell out of one of those chairs and don't tell me that didn't hurt.

#2) i'll wear sky blue

#3) my registry will be at amazon.com and you, as participants, will be invitied to purchase for me any of the following: tivo; sopranos dvds; six feet under dvds; sex and the city dvds; whatever books look appealing. that is all.

#4) -- this is eliz's rule, and i second it. no toasts, unless they are funny.

also, if anyone tries to sing unbelievable, they will be thrown out on their ear.