in the cafeteria this evening i ran into a girl who i knew freshman year. she went abroad the semester before me so i essentially haven't seen her since then; in fact, it took her a minute to recognize me. i asked her how her reentry had been. oh, good, she said, -- at first. at some point it just became exhausting.
i laughed and made some joke and we parted and i returned to my table. when i looked around, i realized i was already exhausted. i'd had three classes, the last of which was of the 3-hour variety. and i still had one to go. more than that, though, all day i'd been feeling performative. keeping up with witty special people is taxing. especially since this isn't my longstanding crowd, i don't feel secure enough to be boring.
virtually everyone i know here suffers from too much self-esteem and too much insecurity. alternatively that's just me and i just project. a lot.
the day righted itself later. i spreed on half.com and went to my film class showing of bonnie and clyde, came home and had an clobberingly intense conversation w/ stefanie about sexuality and relationships. i've been listening to showtunes. i can't believe it's only wednesday, but weeks always seem three times as long at the beginning. inevitably i will run out of clever things to say, and if my friends decide to retain me then i'll be able to relax. also inevitably, my workload will get so heavy i won't have the luxury of caring. the only question is which'll happen first.
Ted Wilson Reviews the World #183
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