where are those famous endorphins everyone's always talking about? an hour and a half of tennis this morning and then another hour and a half this afternoon, and i'm not high and peppy, i'm exhausted. and kinda depressed, although i enjoyed playing both times. my right forearm hurts and i don't know any exercises that work that muscle. or stretches, or whatever.

in my film class i discovered i had a fan group of one. he was reading my review as i walked in and chuckling to himself. at one point he quoted me to me and said, "this sounds like something from the onion." i nearly fell in love with him. luckily i had the vivid memory of ben to hold me back. but a fan group of one isn't so bad. i mean, everyone has to start somewhere, eh?

i ended up not doing much for september 11th yesterday. i paused by the peace booth and listened to an earnest rendition of "blowing in the wind." i discussed, first with ben and then with ross, that i wished people could take it out of historical and political context, just remember back solemnly to the day america realized - quite harshly and suddenly - that we aren't invulnerable.
but the history and politics of it, which are inextricable, just make me tired. the idea that america deserved it doesn't speak to me, even if i understand the logic and frustration behind that sentiment. governments make horrible foreign policy decisions all the time: when other people die for those decisions, it's tragic. period.
the argument that we should strike back is untenable too and has been since day one. i don't believe there's an insidious global conspiracy that we have to destroy and shooting blindly, or using this as an excuse to take up old grudges, won't help a goddamned thing.

i think we were Got. we didn't expect it; we hadn't been looking for it; we didn't even realize we should have been on guard. and we were hurt. we'll be more careful for now on. but the ones who Got us have vanished again like a mole in one of those Whack-a- games and most likely he won't surface again. we should learn, and mourn, and let this increase our sensitivity and empathy (as once again an attack from abroad reminds us our comfortable isolation isn't either). and move on.